AFL Announces Corona Virus Vaccine
By Mark Robinson for The Herald-Sun
The AFL announced this afternoon that football will resume in two weeks following the inoculation of all involved in the game.
The AFL has procured a bulk supply and has inoculated all players, coaches, trainers and officials of each club in a rush to get the game going again.
The success of this program of inoculation now results in the game restarting in two weeks.
A little-known fact is that the vaccine for Corona Virus is actually a strong form of truth serum. The side effect is one of of complete honesty when anyone inoculated is asked any question.
The industry is now bracing for a new round of scandals. The Q&A’s below give some indication of what’s to come.
Adelaide
Interview with Bob (the boot studder)
Q1 What was the background to the Power Rangers stance?
Well the players noticed Tex doing that before games and they thought he was trying to look tough and frighten the opposition, so they all started copying him. They later found out that’s how he looks when he’s trying to squeeze out a fart. We don’t do that now.
Q2 Who will be Adelaide’s next captain?
Tyson Stengle
Q3 Is Adelaide contending, treading water or rebuilding?
We’re rebuilding and can’t get rid of the 2017 team quickly enough. They are damaged goods. Whenever the Richmond theme song is played our therapy bill goes through the roof. Get the kids in!
Brisbane
Interview with coach Chris Fagan
Q1 What was the biggest learning for you from 2019?
They cheated us somehow. Look at the Stats
Q2 What were you telling Charlie Cameron at quarter time against Richmond in the final?
Try playing up the ground or as a defender. That Grimes bloke needs to be shut down.
Q3 What’s the recipe to beat Richmond?
Win the stats. More frees.
Carlton
Interview with coach David Teague
Q1 Why did Carlton clear Bryce Gibbs to Adelaide at the end of 2017?
Because they wouldn’t take him earlier than that.
Q2 Which player(s) will lead Carlton to the top eight?
Jack & Ben Silvagni.
Q3 Is Carlton contending, treading water or rebuilding?
Be happy if we were treading water. Is there a “we’re drowning” option?
Collingwood
Interview with Joffa
Q1 What is Collingwood’s greatest strength?
We have all read Konrad’s books and we do a lot of hugging.
Q2 Complete this sentence. Nathan Buckley is a ????
Bucks is a ****.
Q3 There’s a lot of debate about the Big Yank. Is he good value to the club?
Yes! Eddie says about 10% ROI. I’m not sure what that means but I think it’s about how he plays one good game in ten.
Essendon
Interview with Jobe Watson
Q1 What was the worst part of the drug scandal?
Getting caught and flushing sh!tloads of really good gear down the dunny.
Q2 Who’s idea was it?
Hird drank too much Dank Coolaid. We were pumping all sorts of sh!t into these poor morons. I even used some of it when I ran out of Roundup. F*** it was like napalm.
Q3 How will Essendon go this year?
You got any contacts in Chinese labs?
Fremantle
Interview with Mathew Pavlich
Q1 What are your thoughts of Ross Lyon?
Ross made us boring. Before that we didn’t exist
Q2 What are Freo’s aspirations for 2020 and maybe 2021?
Get even better at being boring
Q3 What’s with the club song?
Well we are the Dockers so I guess it’s appropriate that when you sing it you sound a bit pissed
Geelol
Interview with Club Doctor
Q1 Geelol has one of the oldest lists in the AFL. What does this mean in terms of match preparation?
Gee it’s hard to get them to the ground. There aren’t a lot of access taxis in Geelol. And travelling interstate is a nightmare. You got any idea of how many bloody pairs of support stockings we issue to these blokes? What is Deep Vein Thrombosis anyway?
Q2 The coach wants to have finals played in Geelol. Why do that when so many supporters couldn’t get a ticket?
Stuff them! We can’t beat anyone at the MCG. We NEED to play games at Cigar Park or we’re stuffed.
Q3 Is Chris Scott a good coach?
Absolutely. He said that to me lots of times.
Gold Coast
Interview with Clive Palmer
Q1 The AFL has invested millions into your club yet there has been no success. What gives?
We’re not here to win games. We’re a tax dodge.
Q2 Who wrote the club song?
Have we got one? I’ve never heard it and I’ve been here for years!
Q3 Why do so many players that you’ve drafted want to move to other clubs?
They get scared when the coach looks at them for too long. They think he’s gonna eat them.
GWS
Interview with former player Brett Delidio
Q1 Who wrote the club song?
A Russian bloke named Ivan Putin
Q2 Why did a Russian write the club song?
Apparently, Sheedy had some idea about playing games in Moscow and thought it would help.
Q3 So we assume that of the choices of contending, treading water or rebuilding you’d definitely say contending?
Sadly we’re rebuilding. After what Richmond did to us in the Granny we’ve had 22 in therapy and 10 still haven’t come back to the club.
Hawthorn
Interview with coach Alastair Clarkson
Q1 Dimma has used themes for his players before big games. Do you like that idea and what themes would you use?
Yes it’s a great idea. I’ve played guitar to them but they didn’t seem to get the vibe of Kumbaya. I might try the ukulele.
Q2 Where do you think football is heading?
3d printers. I’ll give you an example. We got Scully for a packet of chips. Stuffed ankle, was never going to play again. We got a new ankle printed and the surgeon whacked it in. Now he’s as good as gold. I think one day we’ll see blokes running around that are 100% from 3d printers. At least they’ll have more brains and might appreciate my singing.
Q3 The club song says “We’re a happy team at Hawthorn”. Is that true?
F*** off.
Melbourne
Interview with long time member – Dr Morton Barrington-Smythe
Q1 What are your hopes for 2020?
Open the ski season
Q2 Is Melbourne contending, treading water or rebuilding?
I think we’re contending. We’ve mastered the bunny runs and snow plough. Now we just need the players to learn how to not fall off the T Bar.
Q3 Any recruits you’re chasing?
Ron Barassi as Senior Coach
Norda Melbun
Interview with Coach - Rhyce Shaw
Q1 Your club has very low membership numbers. What are you doing to try and get more attendance?
We’re getting an elephant from a circus and going to let it run loose at half time. I love elephants!
Q2 That sounds dangerous. Aren’t you concerned about people getting hurt?
Nah. In fact, our research indicates we’ll get more through the turnstiles just on the off chance that a numpty in blue and white gets crushed.
North has been talked about as a possible club to be relocated to Tasmania. Is that something you’d consider?
Do they have elephants down there? I love elephants!
By Mark Robinson for The Herald-Sun
The AFL announced this afternoon that football will resume in two weeks following the inoculation of all involved in the game.
The AFL has procured a bulk supply and has inoculated all players, coaches, trainers and officials of each club in a rush to get the game going again.
The success of this program of inoculation now results in the game restarting in two weeks.
A little-known fact is that the vaccine for Corona Virus is actually a strong form of truth serum. The side effect is one of of complete honesty when anyone inoculated is asked any question.
The industry is now bracing for a new round of scandals. The Q&A’s below give some indication of what’s to come.
Adelaide
Interview with Bob (the boot studder)
Q1 What was the background to the Power Rangers stance?
Well the players noticed Tex doing that before games and they thought he was trying to look tough and frighten the opposition, so they all started copying him. They later found out that’s how he looks when he’s trying to squeeze out a fart. We don’t do that now.
Q2 Who will be Adelaide’s next captain?
Tyson Stengle
Q3 Is Adelaide contending, treading water or rebuilding?
We’re rebuilding and can’t get rid of the 2017 team quickly enough. They are damaged goods. Whenever the Richmond theme song is played our therapy bill goes through the roof. Get the kids in!
Brisbane
Interview with coach Chris Fagan
Q1 What was the biggest learning for you from 2019?
They cheated us somehow. Look at the Stats
Q2 What were you telling Charlie Cameron at quarter time against Richmond in the final?
Try playing up the ground or as a defender. That Grimes bloke needs to be shut down.
Q3 What’s the recipe to beat Richmond?
Win the stats. More frees.
Carlton
Interview with coach David Teague
Q1 Why did Carlton clear Bryce Gibbs to Adelaide at the end of 2017?
Because they wouldn’t take him earlier than that.
Q2 Which player(s) will lead Carlton to the top eight?
Jack & Ben Silvagni.
Q3 Is Carlton contending, treading water or rebuilding?
Be happy if we were treading water. Is there a “we’re drowning” option?
Collingwood
Interview with Joffa
Q1 What is Collingwood’s greatest strength?
We have all read Konrad’s books and we do a lot of hugging.
Q2 Complete this sentence. Nathan Buckley is a ????
Bucks is a ****.
Q3 There’s a lot of debate about the Big Yank. Is he good value to the club?
Yes! Eddie says about 10% ROI. I’m not sure what that means but I think it’s about how he plays one good game in ten.
Essendon
Interview with Jobe Watson
Q1 What was the worst part of the drug scandal?
Getting caught and flushing sh!tloads of really good gear down the dunny.
Q2 Who’s idea was it?
Hird drank too much Dank Coolaid. We were pumping all sorts of sh!t into these poor morons. I even used some of it when I ran out of Roundup. F*** it was like napalm.
Q3 How will Essendon go this year?
You got any contacts in Chinese labs?
Fremantle
Interview with Mathew Pavlich
Q1 What are your thoughts of Ross Lyon?
Ross made us boring. Before that we didn’t exist
Q2 What are Freo’s aspirations for 2020 and maybe 2021?
Get even better at being boring
Q3 What’s with the club song?
Well we are the Dockers so I guess it’s appropriate that when you sing it you sound a bit pissed
Geelol
Interview with Club Doctor
Q1 Geelol has one of the oldest lists in the AFL. What does this mean in terms of match preparation?
Gee it’s hard to get them to the ground. There aren’t a lot of access taxis in Geelol. And travelling interstate is a nightmare. You got any idea of how many bloody pairs of support stockings we issue to these blokes? What is Deep Vein Thrombosis anyway?
Q2 The coach wants to have finals played in Geelol. Why do that when so many supporters couldn’t get a ticket?
Stuff them! We can’t beat anyone at the MCG. We NEED to play games at Cigar Park or we’re stuffed.
Q3 Is Chris Scott a good coach?
Absolutely. He said that to me lots of times.
Gold Coast
Interview with Clive Palmer
Q1 The AFL has invested millions into your club yet there has been no success. What gives?
We’re not here to win games. We’re a tax dodge.
Q2 Who wrote the club song?
Have we got one? I’ve never heard it and I’ve been here for years!
Q3 Why do so many players that you’ve drafted want to move to other clubs?
They get scared when the coach looks at them for too long. They think he’s gonna eat them.
GWS
Interview with former player Brett Delidio
Q1 Who wrote the club song?
A Russian bloke named Ivan Putin
Q2 Why did a Russian write the club song?
Apparently, Sheedy had some idea about playing games in Moscow and thought it would help.
Q3 So we assume that of the choices of contending, treading water or rebuilding you’d definitely say contending?
Sadly we’re rebuilding. After what Richmond did to us in the Granny we’ve had 22 in therapy and 10 still haven’t come back to the club.
Hawthorn
Interview with coach Alastair Clarkson
Q1 Dimma has used themes for his players before big games. Do you like that idea and what themes would you use?
Yes it’s a great idea. I’ve played guitar to them but they didn’t seem to get the vibe of Kumbaya. I might try the ukulele.
Q2 Where do you think football is heading?
3d printers. I’ll give you an example. We got Scully for a packet of chips. Stuffed ankle, was never going to play again. We got a new ankle printed and the surgeon whacked it in. Now he’s as good as gold. I think one day we’ll see blokes running around that are 100% from 3d printers. At least they’ll have more brains and might appreciate my singing.
Q3 The club song says “We’re a happy team at Hawthorn”. Is that true?
F*** off.
Melbourne
Interview with long time member – Dr Morton Barrington-Smythe
Q1 What are your hopes for 2020?
Open the ski season
Q2 Is Melbourne contending, treading water or rebuilding?
I think we’re contending. We’ve mastered the bunny runs and snow plough. Now we just need the players to learn how to not fall off the T Bar.
Q3 Any recruits you’re chasing?
Ron Barassi as Senior Coach
Norda Melbun
Interview with Coach - Rhyce Shaw
Q1 Your club has very low membership numbers. What are you doing to try and get more attendance?
We’re getting an elephant from a circus and going to let it run loose at half time. I love elephants!
Q2 That sounds dangerous. Aren’t you concerned about people getting hurt?
Nah. In fact, our research indicates we’ll get more through the turnstiles just on the off chance that a numpty in blue and white gets crushed.
North has been talked about as a possible club to be relocated to Tasmania. Is that something you’d consider?
Do they have elephants down there? I love elephants!
