Collingwood Jokes [Merged] | PUNT ROAD END | Richmond Tigers Forum
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Collingwood Jokes [Merged]

Tigerclan

Tiger Champion
Jan 22, 2005
4,006
7
Dog Attack

Two boys are playing football in a Melbourne park, when one is attacked by a Rotttweiller.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter, who was strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy "Bombers fan saves friend from vicious animal"

He starts writing in his notebook.

" But I'm not a bombers fan" the boy said.

" Tigers fan rescues friend from horrific attack" the reporter starts again.

"But I'm not a Tigers fan either" the boy says.

"Then what are you? the reporter asked "

"I'm a Collingwood fan" replies the boy.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes; "Low Life Mongrel Kills Family Pet!".
 

WildTiger

Tiger Superstar
Mar 3, 2004
1,085
0
Collingwood Intelligence Test

Mick Malthouse goes to a reuinion at Richmond and starts chatting with Terry Wallace. Terry says to Mick, "Well Mick, I dont know what you think of your players at Collingwood, but mine here are all bright and brilliant." How do you know?" asks Mick.

"Oh well, its simple", says Terry. "We put them through a special intelligence test before they can play here. Just pick any of my players and we will see how well he does."

Mick thinks for a while and nominates Matty Richardson.
Terry calls him over and asks him "Tell me Matty, who is the child of your father and of your mother but is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Ah thats simplse Terry" says Matthew. "Its me"
"Well done Matty" says Terry.

Mick is very impressed. Mick returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intellegence of his own team.

He calls in Nathan Buckley and asks "Bucks tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother but is not your brother and is not your sister?"

Nathan thinks and thinks and doesnt know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Mick and i'll give you the answer tomorrw?" "Of course" says Mick "You have 24 hrs but it is very important you come up with the right answer"

Nathan goes away and thinks as hard as he can and then calls in his team mates.

Rocca thought it might be his grandpa, but wasnt sure. Tarrant was certain that it couldnt be anyone.

McKee admitted he was sacked from Richmond for not knowing. The Clokes also owned up to Richmond being their first choice of club but failing the test.

Prestigiacomo thought it could be an uncle back in Italy who had been adopted as a child. Licuria went into the foetal position. Even Eddie asked if he could phone a friend!!!

The rest of the team wouldnt even have a guess!

20 hours went by and Nathan still didnt have an answer. With only 4 hrs to go eventually Nathan says "I know, i'll ring James Hird. He is bloody smart, he will know the answer".

He calls James. "James" he says. "who is the child of your father and of your mother but is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Very simple" says James. "it's me!"
"Of course!" says Nathan and he imeediately rings Mick.
"Mick" says Nathan, "I've got the answer - it's James Hird".
"No its not you idiot!" says Mick. "It's Matthew Richardson!!"
 

Rosy

Tiger Legend
Mar 27, 2003
54,348
31
Re: Collingwood joke threads [Merged]

After having their 11th baby a Collingwood couple decided enough was enough as they could not afford a bigger bed to fit them all in. So Joffa went to the doctor and told him he and Mrs J didn't want any more children.
The doctor told Joffa there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix their problem
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a twopenny bunger, light it and put it in a beer can, hold the can to his ear and count to 10.
"Bejezus, doctor, I may not be the brightest crayon in the box but I don't see how putting a cracker next to me ear is going to help us." "Trust me," said the doctor "it will do the job."
So Joffa went home, lit the cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can to his ear and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5......" at which point he placed the can between his legs so he could continue to count on his other hand. :blowingup
 

brutus25

Oh, the glory days
Sep 2, 2005
105
0
Yarraville
Re: Collingwood joke threads [Merged]

A Collingwood supporter walks into a bar carrying a framed complete jigsaw of a horse. He asks for a pack of West Coast Coolers ( what else ) and then goes across to a table in the corner, sits at the boorh and starts chanting " 15 days, 15 days, 15 days...."

The barman is intrigued, but has seen plenty of Collingwood supporters and knows that he cant expect too much.

A few minutes later, another couple of Collinwood supporters enter, see thier mate, order the same nancy boy drinks and join thier mate in the chant.

This continues on for a while, with several more groups of Collingwood supporters joining in, until it becomes too much for the bartender to stand, what with 20 or so Collingwood supporters chanting "15 days, 15 days, 15 days...."

The first supporter comes over to the bar, so the bartender asks him whats going on?

The Collingwood supporter replies " Well, we are just proving that we are not as stupid as everyone thinks we are. You see that jigsaw over there that we all worked together to put together? Well, on the box it says 3 to 5 years, but we worked flat out on it and got it put together in just 15 days."
 

craig

Tiger Legend
Aug 19, 2004
45,649
29,195
Melbourne
Re: Collingwood joke threads [Merged]

Collingwood Jokes



Tarrant

The Clokes

The Shaws

Holland

O Bree

:hihi :hihi :hihi :hihi :hihi :hihi
 

yandb

Tiger Champion
Mar 24, 2004
3,599
867
Re: Collingwood joke threads [Merged]

a family was visiting the zoo and their young son observed a lion licking the backside of another lion . daddy why is that lion doing that he asked?
well said his father he has obviously just eaten a collingwood supporter and is trying to get the taste out of his mouth.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

pahoffm

No one player is bigger than the club.
Mar 24, 2004
21,145
1
TRUE BLUE PIES SUPPORTER

>>Subject: Fw: TRUE BLUE PIES SUPPORTER
>>Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2006 19:25:50 +1000
>>
>>A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and,
>>trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
>>that she is a Pies fan.
>>
>>
>>She asks her students to raise their hands if they, are Pies fans.
>>
>>Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The
>>teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you
>>raise your hand?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Because I'm not a Collingwood fan," she replied. The teacher, still
>>shocked,asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you
>>a fan of?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"I'm a Demons fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not
>>believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Demons fan?"
>>
>>
>>
>>Mary then replied "Because my mum and dad are from Brighton and so my
>>mum is a Demons fan and my dad is a Demons fan, so I'm a Demons fan
>>too!"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason
>>for you to be a Demons fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
>>all of the time. What if your mum was a pr0stitute, your dad was a drug
>>addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."
 

Goldberg

BENTLEY
Jan 15, 2006
311
0
Re: TRUE BLUE PIES SUPPORTER

A Family of Collingwood supporters head out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting. While in Rebel Sports the son picks up a Richmond footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister, "I've decided to become a Tiger supporter and I would like this for Christmas". His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him round the head with her carton of Winfields and says, "Go talk to Mum.

Off goes the little lad with the Richmond footy jumper in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Tiger supporter and I would like this jumper for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full stubbie of VB at him, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "lets go talk to your father".

Off they go to Pentridge during visiting hours with footy jumper in hand and find bubba, his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Richmond supporter and I would like this jumper for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head with his fists and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT", and then kicks him from one end of the rec. room to the other for further good measure.

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home (Reservoir). The mother turns to her son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes knackers I have." "Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Richmond supporter for an hour and already I hate you Collingwood bastards."
 

rowdydave

Tiger Rookie
Dec 4, 2004
209
9
Mornington
Re: TRUE BLUE PIES SUPPORTER


An apprentice mortician at the local funeral parlour walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body.

When he rolled the body over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's arse. Mystified, he pulled out the cork and immediately heard the Collingwood Football Club theme song come out of the man's arse. Shaken by what had happened he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place.

He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I have discovered!"

Annoyed at the interuption, he said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."

When they entered the room, the instructor was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. Upon hearing the Collingwood Football Club theme song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's arse and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of arseholes sing that song!"
 

TIGERARMY67

Tiger Matchwinner
Jul 22, 2003
523
0
Collingwood build own nightclub

AFL
Collingwood build own nightclub
by STAFF REPORTERS


In response to recent incidents involving Collingwood players at nightclubs, the Collingwood Football Club has launched “Crazy Johns”, a new late night venue located at Victoria Park especially for Collingwood players.

“We just want to concentrate on the finals” operations boss Neil Balme said, “and when the players committee made the unanimous decision that they wouldn’t stop drinking and fighting with strangers or de facto partners, we thought it might as well be in our own backyard.”

Open from 8.30 pm until curfew every night, the club has a series of rooms dedicated to players and officials. Directly to the right after entering, is a room where DJs play an endless drone of irritating noise, named the “Tony Shaw Room”; to the left, a room full of mirrors called the “Brodie Holland Room”. Walk through the “Eddie McGuire Food Court”, and punters may or may not enjoy the “Chris Tarrant Room”. If it is open, then patrons can sit on the “Christi Malthouse Couches”.

The “Buckley Room” is a members only affair with only one member –Buckley – but you will always find the “Lou Richards Room” open, even if nobody’s home. The old gym has remained untouched but has been renamed the “Ben Johnson Room”.

In a coup, McGuire has also organised Channel 9 to showcase “Lexus Up Late”, a program hosted by Michael Christian, where hidden cameras capture what ever is on the minds of professional footballers. It runs from 11.55 til 11.57 nightly.

http://thebladder.com.au/content/news/displayContent.asp?CID=3619&EID=372
 

Hayfever

Tiger Champion
Apr 12, 2005
4,701
98
Re: Collingwood build own nightclub

Beautiful stuff :hihi :hihi

Only thing missing is a few hot air balloons for their altitude training. With an endless supply of hot air going to waste why not use it?
 

Michael

Tiger Champion
Nov 30, 2004
4,375
51
Not Bad Collingwood Joke

50,000 Collingwood Fans meet at the MCG for a "Collingwood Fans Are Not Stupid" Convention.

Eddie says, "We are all here today to prove to all of Australia that Collingwood Fans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer."

Chris Tarrant gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Eddie asks him, "What is fifteen plus fifteen?"

After 15 or 20 seconds Chris says, "Eighteen!".

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then all 50,000 Collingwood Fans start chanting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Eddie says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the Australian press and broadcast media
here, I think we can give him another chance."

So he asks, "What is seven plus seven?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Eddie is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened.

Chris starts crying and the 50,000 Collingwood Fans begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Eddie, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance.

What is two plus two?" Chris closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Collingwood
fans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
 

hopper

Vile weed!
Jul 28, 2004
6,259
41
Darwin
A plethora of Collingwood jokes ...

Got an email of these today. Heard many before but thought you would enjoy ...

15 ways to tell if you are a Collingwood Fan

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.

2. You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

5. Someone in your family once died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"

6. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

7. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.

8. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: "Carn the Pies!"

9. You lit a match in the kitchen and your house exploded?..right off its wheels.

10. The market value of your car goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in it.

11. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

12. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

13. You can't marry your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

14. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

15. Your front veranda collapses and kills more than five dogs.



Q. What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?

A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.



Q. What's the difference between Collingwood and an arsonist?

A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.



Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you avoid hitting him?

A. It could be your bicycle.



Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3 million has a rough chance of becoming a human being.



Q. What do you have when 100 Collingwood fans are buried up to their necks in sand?

A. Not enough sand.



Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Collingwood fan on the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.



Q. You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?

A. Shoot the Collingwood fan. Twice.



Q. What's the difference between a female Collingwood fan and a PitBull?

A. Lipstick.



Q. Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, an intelligent Collingwood fan and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a$100 note. Who gets it?

A. The drunk, of course; the other three are mythical characters.



Q. What do Collingwood fans use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.



Q. What's the difference between a Collingwood fan and a trampoline?

A. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.



Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamp issue? They had Collingwood players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.



Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Collingwood jumper? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family the embarrassment.



Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a St. Kilda scarf.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Collingwood fans allowed in Heaven".

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard. No Collingwood fans."

"But, but, but I've been a good man," replies the Collingwood supporter.

"Oh, really?" says St. Peter. "What have you done then?"

"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."

"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 20 bucks to the Tsunami Relief Fund."

"Okay," says St. Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the Governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and He agrees with me. Here's your 60 bucks back, now p#ss off!"



Mick Malthouse goes to a football reunion at Richmond and starts chatting with Terry Wallace. Terry says to Mick, "Well Mick, I don't know what you think of your players

at Collingwood, but mine here are all bright and brilliant.

"How do you know?" asks Mick.

"Oh well, it's simple", says Terry. "We put them through a special intelligence test before they can play here. Just pick any of my players and we will see how well he does."

Mick thinks for a while and then nominates Matthew Richardson.

Terry calls him over and asks him," Tell me Matty, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple plow," says Matthew, "it's me".

"Well done Matty", says Terry, and Mick is very impressed.

Mick returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of the team.

He calls in Buckley and asks," Nathan, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

Nathan thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Mick, and I'll give you an answer tomorrow?"

"Of course," says Mick, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer."

Nathan goes away, thinks as hard as he can, and then he calls in his teammates. Rocca thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure. Tarrant was certain that it couldn't be anyone. McKee admitted he was sacked from Richmond for not knowing. Cloke also owned up to failing the test while trying to get a position at Punt Rd.

Prestigiacomo thought it could be a cousin in Italy who had been adopted as a child. The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess. Licuria went into the foetal position. 20 hours later, Nathan is very worried that he still has no answer with only 4 hours to go. Eventually Nathan says" I know, I'll ring James Hird! He's clever, he'll know the answer."

He calls James. "Hirdy," he says, "tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not you brother and is not your sister?"

"Very simple," says James, "it's me!"

"Of course!" says Nathan and immediately rings Mick.

"Mick," says Nathan," I've got the answer: it's James Hird."

"No, you idiot," says Mick. "It's Matthew Richardson."
 

TIGERARMY67

Tiger Matchwinner
Jul 22, 2003
523
0
NEW CAR RADIO

NEW CAR RADIO:

Recently I bought a new Car Radio but I had to return it to the dealer
the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and
demonstrated this brilliant feature.

"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.

The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On
the Road Again".

Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant "Georgia on My
Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.

I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.

Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great
awesome songs from the 60-80's.

It was fun and even Shirley got into it too.

"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great
Stone's hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.

A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but
luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.

I immediately yelled in anger, "Arseholes!"


Guess what !!


Immediately up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever ............" :rofl
* Damn it, I just LOVE this new radio!*
 

tigatam

Richo richo man, i want to be a richo man.
Feb 5, 2007
669
0
Ferntree Gully VIC
whats better than a good collingwood joke???

seeming as we havent had much to cheer about, lets make ourselves feel better by having a giggle at those less fortunate than us, Collingwood supporters.

:rofl

q: What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?

a: One in 3,000,000,000 has a chance of becoming human


q: what is the difference between a collingwood fan and a trampoline?

a: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. :rofl



please add to the joy!