Collingwood Jokes [Merged]

tigatam

Richo richo man, i want to be a richo man.
Feb 5, 2007
669
0
Ferntree Gully VIC
Re: whats better than a good collingwood joke???

Did you hear that the post office had to recall thier latest stamps?
They had pictures of Collingwood players on them, people couldnt figure out which side to spit on!
 

tannerztigers

He will Conca the world
Jul 4, 2006
4,601
0
Jan Juc
Re: whats better than a good collingwood joke???

tigatam said:
Did you hear that the post office had to recall thier latest stamps?
They had pictures of Collingwood players on them, people couldnt figure out which side to spit on!
:clap :spin :hihi :cutelaugh
 

Disco08

Tiger Legend
Sep 23, 2003
21,757
0
Re: whats better than a good collingwood joke???

This lady finds a bottle, opens it, and a genie pops out. He gives her the standard 3 wishes. Her first one is for a million bucks. Done. No worries. Her second wish is for awesome good looks. No Problem. Third wish, she pulls out her mobile phone with internet, brings up a picture of Bosnia and says to the genie "this is where my family comes from, I want Bosnia and all her neighbouring countries to have lifelong peace".

"Um, well, I haven't been a genie all that long miss, and that sounds pretty hard. Can you think of something else?"

"Oh. OK" she says, thinking about it for a second. "My husband is a collingwood fan. He's really not that bright and a total pain to be around. I really regret marrying him. Could you turn him into a decent, intelligent person?"

"Ah" stumbles the genie, "can I see that map again?"
 

tigatam

Richo richo man, i want to be a richo man.
Feb 5, 2007
669
0
Ferntree Gully VIC
Re: whats better than a good collingwood joke???

Disco08 said:
This lady finds a bottle, opens it, and a genie pops out. He gives her the standard 3 wishes. Her first one is for a million bucks. Done. No worries. Her second wish is for awesome good looks. No Problem. Third wish, she pulls out her mobile phone with internet, brings up a picture of Bosnia and says to the genie "this is where my family comes from, I want Bosnia and all her neighbouring countries to have lifelong peace".

"Um, well, I haven't been a genie all that long miss, and that sounds pretty hard. Can you think of something else?"

"Oh. OK" she says, thinking about it for a second. "My husband is a collingwood fan. He's really not that bright and a total pain to be around. I really regret marrying him. Could you turn him into a decent, intelligent person?"

"Ah" stumbles the genie, "can I see that map again?"




:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl i like it
 

Mr Pumblechook

Tiger Champion
Jun 11, 2004
2,790
0
Collingwood fan?


A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and,
trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her
class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to
raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans. Everyone in
the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why
didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,"
she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a
Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Richmond fan,
and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Mary, why are you a Richmond fan?" My mum and dad were born and
raised in Richmond, so my mum is a Richmond fan and my dad is a
Richmond fan, and so I'm a Richmond fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
reason for you to be a Richmond fan. You don't have to be just
like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a
prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car
thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."
 

TIGERARMY67

Tiger Matchwinner
Jul 22, 2003
523
0
The Encyclopaedia of Collingwood Jokes

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side



How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas.


What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I?ll have fries with that fanks

2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
The Policeman

What do you call a 30 yr old woman in a Collingwood jumper?
Nanna


You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.

2. You let your thirteen-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'


7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.

9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the
Maggies .'

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its
wheels.

11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much
petrol is in it.

12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.

15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.

16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.


What do Collingwood supporters use as protection during sex?
The bus shelter

If you're driving along and you see a Collingwood supporter riding a
bike why shouldn't you run him over?
It could be your bike.





Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships.

The first says, ?My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our sex
life
is like one premiership after another.?

The second says, ?My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the
back-to-back victories of 1997 and '98.?

They then look at their friend, who hasn't yet said a thing.

?What?s wrong,? they say as their friend starts sobbing. ?Well,? she says
hesitantly, ?my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on
the end
of the bed and tell me how wonderful it's going to be.?



What's got 100 legs and 4 teeth?
The front row of the Collingwood cheer squad.



What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Collingwood shirt
to bed?
You ain't going to score.


A Collingwood couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks
sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, ?Please be gentle with me.
I'm a virgin.?
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his
father, who comforts him by saying, ?Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she
wasn't
good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours.?


A Collingwood supporter went down to Centrelink to claim welfare
after realising she was the only one of her friends - (who were all
Collingwood supporters) - who was not on benefits.
?How many children do you have?? the man at Centrelink asked.
?Ten,? she replied.
?What are their names??
?Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn
and Jaidyn,? she replied.
?They're all named Jaidyn?? he asked ?What if you want them to come in
from playing outside??
?Oh, that's easy,? she said. ?I just call 'Jaidyn,' and they all come
running in.?
?And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner??
?I just say, 'Jaidyn, come eat your dinner',? she answered.
?But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?? he asked.
?Oh, that's easy,? she said. ?I just use their last name.?


How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make
excuses and Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done
his job in the first place the light bulb would never have gone out




What?s the difference between a cactus and the Lexus Centre?
A cactus has pricks on the outside



Why did Cinderella run away from the ball?
Because she played for Collingwood.


Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the
children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
However, Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father ..
Billy responded: ?My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes
off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is
really good, he?ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let
them sleep with him.?
The teacher quickly sent the other children outside with some work and
took little Billy aside to ask him if what he?d said was really true.
?No? said Billy ,?He plays AFL football for the Collingwood Football Club,

but I was just too embarrassed to say ..?



Joffa took his 8 year old son to a Pies Game. At half time, an
opposition supporter called one of the Pies cheersquad a transvestite,
prompting Joffa's son to ask him 'dad, what?s a transvestite?', to which
Joffa replied,
'Go ask your mum, he'll know'

.
What do you call a group of Collingwood supporters running off in
the same direction?
Jailbreak!



What is the difference between a Pizza and a Collingwood
supporter?
Pizza can feed a family of four.


A group of Collingwood supporters are standing on their tip toes up
to their necks in water What is the problem?
Not enough water.


How do you know if your house has been robbed by a Collingwood supporter?
Your bins are empty and your dogs pregnant.



What do you call a Collingwood supporter with half a brain?
Gifted.


:spin :happy :clap :rofl


."
 

Streak

Tiger Legend
Aug 31, 2007
33,970
26
Western Australia
Re: The Encyclopaedia of Collingwood Jokes

A favourite of my Grandfather's, a true dyed in the wool Tiger. Circa late 70s.

What is green, has 2 wings and slaughters Magpies?

The MCG.
 

Tiges67

Tiger Legend
Dec 24, 2003
8,590
0
Re: The Encyclopaedia of Collingwood Jokes

Excellent. Have forwarded that on to husband's work as payback for THAT Ben Cousins text I got a few months back. >:D
 

pahoffm

No one player is bigger than the club.
Mar 24, 2004
21,145
0
Recently I bought a new Lexus 350 but I had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and demonstrated this brilliant feature.

"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.

The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On the Road Again".

Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.

I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.

Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great awesome songs from the 60-80's.

It was fun and even my girlfriend got into it too.

"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great Stone's hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.

A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.

I immediately yelled in anger, "Arse Holes!"

Guess what !!

Immediately up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever …………”

* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!*
 

rokin.tiger

Tiger Champion
Apr 8, 2007
2,685
0
Punt Road
Collingwood supporter steals coppers hat

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,26047946-661,00.html

[size=10pt]Plea for police badge after hat stolen from Campbell Mill at MCG[/size]

EDDIE McGuire has laid down the law to a Pies fan who took a policeman's hat and badge during a scuffle at the MCG.

Speaking on his new breakfast radio show on Triple M, McGuire urged the Pies fan shown in CCTV footage to come forward and return the badge and hat, no questions asked.

Senior Sergeant Campbell Mill from Camberwell was making an arrest on the concourse level of the MCG during the qualifying final when his white cap was knocked off his head.


The hat featured Sen Sgt Mill’s badge, presented to him at his graduation in 1981.

A man picked up the cap which was taken by a second man who appeared to stuff the cap under his coat.

Sen Sgt Mill said the badge had significant sentimental value to him.

“It’s not so much the cap I would like back, it’s the badge on the cap,” he said.

McGuire spoke to Sen Sgt Mill on his Hot Breakfast show, and the two agreed that if the badge was returned, or the man rang the radio station before The Hot Breakfast Show finished, the issue would be taken no further.

Police have released video footage of a man they would like to speak to in relation to the theft.

The man is described as aged between 30 and 40, with a goatee beard, short dark hair and was wearing a grey Collingwood 2005 coaches jacket.

Anyone with any information is urged to contact Crime Stoppers on 1800 333 000
 

Streak

Tiger Legend
Aug 31, 2007
33,970
26
Western Australia
Re: Collingwood supporter steals coppers hat

rokin.tiger said:
McGuire spoke to Sen Sgt Mill on his Hot Breakfast show, .................... or the man rang the radio station before The Hot Breakfast Show finished, the issue would be taken no further.
Well there wasn't much chance of that was there! Not even Pies supporters listen to Eddie.
 

frecks

Tiger Cub
Feb 24, 2008
18
2
A Laugh

Family of Collingwood supporters head off to do their Christmas Shoplifting.While in Rebel Sports store the son picks up a Tigers jumper & says to his 10year old sister, "Hey sis, I've decided to become a Tigers supporter & want this Richmond jumper for Christmas".His sister is outraged by this & promptly wacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield cigs & says "you loser,go talk to mum".
Off goe's the lad with the Tiger jumper stuffed up his shirt & finds mum.'mum, I wanta be a Tigers supporter & I want this jumper for Christmas".
The mother is outraged at this & throws her moccasins & 1/2 full can of VB at him & says "we are gunna go talk to your father".Off they go to the prison camp during visiting hours,with footy jumper in hand & find Moose, his toothless, tattooed father.
"Dad"
"Yes knackers"
"I've decided to be a Tigers supporter & want this Richmond jumper for Christmas"Moose goe's beserk & gives knackers a back hander & says,"No son of mine is gunna be seen wearing that crap"& then kicks his sons backside from one end of reco room to the other.
1/2 hour later they are heading back home in the old falcon when the mother turns to knackers & says,"Now, have you learnt anything today"
The son says "bloody oath I have".
"Good knackers, what would that be".
The son replies, " I've only been a Tigers supporter for one day & already I hate you Collingwood mongrels".
 

pahoffm

No one player is bigger than the club.
Mar 24, 2004
21,145
0
Collingwood Supporters

From my wife:

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side

How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas!

What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I'll have fries with that thanks

2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
The Policeman

What do you call a 30 yr old woman in a Collingwood jumper?
Nanna

You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Collingwood fan – Twice


You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front veranda collapses and kills more than five dogs.

What do Collingwood supporters use as protection during s3x?
The bus shelter

If you're driving along and you see a Collingwood supporter riding a bike why shouldn't you run him over?
It could be your bike.

Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships.
The first says, "My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our s3x life is like one premiership after another."
The second says, "My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the back-to-back victories of 1997 and '98."
They then look at their friend, who hasn't yet said a thing.
"What's wrong," they say as their friend starts sobbing. "Well," she says hesitantly, "my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on the end of the bed and tell me how wonderful it's going to be."

Why do Collingwood fans stink?
So blind people can hate them, too.

What's got 100 legs and 4 teeth?
The front row of the Collingwood cheer squad.

What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Collingwood shirt to bed?
You ain't going to score.


A Collingwood supporter went down to Centrelink to claim welfare after realising she was the only one of her friends - (who were all Collingwood supporters) - who was not on benefits.
"How many children do you have?" the man at Centrelink asked.
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?"
"Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn and Jaidyn," she replied.
"They're all named Jaidyn?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Jaidyn,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Jaidyn, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."

How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make
excuses and Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done
his job in the first place the light bulb would never have
gone out


What's the difference between a cactus and the Lexus Centre?
A cactus has pricks on the outside

What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?
Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.

Why did Cinderella run away from the ball?
Because she played for Collingwood.

Joffa took his 8 year old son to a Pies Game. At half time, an opposition supporter called one of the Pies cheersquad a transvestite, prompting Joffa's son to ask him 'dad, what's a transvestite?', to which Joffa replied, 'Go ask your mum, he'll know'.

What do you call a group of Collingwood supporters running off in the same direction?
Jailbreak!

What is the difference between a Pizza and a Collingwood supporter?
Pizza can feed a family of four.

A group of Collingwood supporters are standing on their tip toes up to their necks in water What is the problem?
Not enough water.

Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
 

TigerForce

Richmond has a better list.
Apr 26, 2004
48,880
1,160
Re: Collingwood Supporters

Well done to Mrs Phantom. :hihi


A Collingwood family lunch is bigger than a Greek wedding.
 

the golden

former hawk cheersquad feral : D
Nov 20, 2004
3,298
0
in the gold
s6.invisionfree.com
Re: Collingwood Supporters

What do you call a Collingwood supporter that can read and write?





















An Essendon supporter but these are considered to be a myth since there's never been any proof a Collingwood supporter can read.
 

waiting since 80

simply The Boss!
Aug 9, 2009
1,091
0
avondale heights
Toothbrush!

Sorry if this one has been posted

Q. Did you know that the Toothbrush was invented in Collingwood?

A. if it was invented anywhere else it would be call Teethbrush ;D