Jokes Thread | PUNT ROAD END | Richmond Tigers Forum
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Jokes Thread

Willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
16,561
3,322
Aldinga Beach
A single bloke decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going down the pub with me ?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede ' s box and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?.....
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time! I 'm putting my bloody shoes on!
 
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Willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
16,561
3,322
Aldinga Beach
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbour’s house and asks him,
“Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilising your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbour, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
 
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Willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
16,561
3,322
Aldinga Beach
A man was taking a group of young adults with learning difficulties on a day out to a theme park. On the way back they stop at a pub for a few drinks. He walks up to the landlord at the bar. "Hi i'm the team leader of the support group. They have learning difficulties so they can struggle with things like money. They might try and pay for the drinks with Jam Jar lids or milk bottle tops. Just go along with it, let them have the drinks and i'll settle the bill at the end.
They're having a good time and the drinks are flowing. The bell rings for closing time and they all get back on to the coach to go home. The barman calls over the team leader as he's about to leave. "Excuse me but you haven't paid the bill. Your group had a lot of drinks and I accepted the milk bottle tops and jam jar lids like you said". " Oh yes sorry, thanks for doing that and reminding me". "Now have you got change for a dustbin lid".
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
19,683
12,318
While riding my motorcycle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut see-through red blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,"I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
19,683
12,318
Forget about the crappy service from United Airlines. The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus ✈️ flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement:​

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."​

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10-hour flight.​

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:​

“If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”​

 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
19,683
12,318
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in two towns stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new car every year and his wife with a mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k him'.
 
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The_General

It's been a very hard working from home
Staff member
May 4, 2004
9,525
3,451
My best mate and his wife have been having problems conceiving, so he had to go to a fertility clinic.
He went inside and was stopped immediately by one of the nurses.
"Why are you here?" She demanded.
"I'm here to find out why my wife and I can't get pregnant," he replied.
The nurse grinned and said "I've worked out the problem already."
He thought how good is she.
"What is it then?"
"Well love," she said pointing, "that's the back door"
 
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TigerForce

Tiger Legend
Apr 26, 2004
58,767
9,416
Heard this on Triple M but not the full joke.

Supermarkets won't be selling Nutella, Vegemite and Peanut Butter due to Covid. It's one way to stop the spread.
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
19,683
12,318
GetAttachmentThumbnail
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
19,683
12,318
A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car, in Lovers' Lane, with

the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approached the car

to get a closer look. Then he saw a young man behind the wheel,

reading a computer magazine. He immediately noticed a young woman in

the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising

situation, the officer walked to the car and gently rapped on the

driver's window.

The young man lowered his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop asked, "What are you doing?"

The young man said, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer asked

"And, her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car,

at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening! He asked,

"What's your age, young man?"

The young man said, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asked, "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looked at his watch and replied, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
19,683
12,318
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
19,683
12,318
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a fine specimen but, this morning, she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election: You can't always hear the bells! . . .
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
19,683
12,318
A wealthy Jewish husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

“Our's is prettier," she replies.
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
19,683
12,318
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness'. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"


"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
 
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