Jokes Thread | PUNT ROAD END | Richmond Tigers Forum
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Jokes Thread

Quickdraw

End of the drought
Jun 8, 2013
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Got chatting to a real stunner of a girl in the pub.
We discussed the Ukraine situation and what Putin might do if Europe intervened.
I said he would probably nuke us and we'd only have 20 minutes warning.
She asked me what I would do if that happened.
I answered, "Shag the arse off of anything that moved. What about you?"
She replied, "Stand very, very, still" :(
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"
"We're going BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Hotel Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him, he'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a 5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"
 
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bigwow

Tiger Legend
Jul 24, 2003
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Melbourne
I recently went to the “World’s Tiniest Wind Turbine” exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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Went to the pub last night dressed like a tennis ball, got served straight away :ROFLMAO:

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.' :ROFLMAO:

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a dollar coin down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker!!..
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
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If you put a pair of shoes on a bear, would it still be bear footed.
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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So, there is a lot of talk about kids identifying as cats or dogs, ie. “furries”, and this is hilarious.
Imagine if you can, that one of my boys told me they thought they were a cat?
Sitting at the supper table son says: “Dad, I think I’m a cat!
Dad: “No son, you’re a boy! “
My son: “No dad some of my friends at school identify as cats, they call themselves furries, and so do I !! It’s my right and you can’t do anything about it!”
Dad: “OK!! “
My son: “Hey, where’s my supper? “
Dad: “Your supper is in the catfood bowl in the corner. Now get off the table you mangy cat!”
My son: “What???”
Dad: hits him with a broom, “get off the table furball!!”
My son in the corner looking bewildered!
Me to my wife : “Is that cat neutered”??
My wife: “I will make an appointment!! “
My son: “What??? “
Dad: “Your mother and I have decided we don’t want a house cat, so get out to the shed and hunt mice!”
My son: “What???”
Dad: brandishes broom, “NOW, to the shed you stupid cat!!”
My son: “Dad, I think I’m a boy!”
Dad: “I thought so, now sit down and eat your supper!!”

Spay and neuter these animals. Stop them from reproducing. Today’s society has enough fruit loops already.
End of story!
 
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Tigers of Old

Proud of our Club.
Jul 26, 2004
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This elderly couple about 80 years old were having trouble connecting
So the woman decided to role play..
She waited in the closet for her husband to come out of the bathroom..
When he did she jumped out of the closet wearing nothing but a cape & yelled
'Super Vagina!'
and the man looked at her & said 'I'll have the soup.'
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
20,915
14,599
An old codger was having his yearly doctors checkup, and because he was as deaf as a post, his wife was with him.
The doc asked the old fella a few questions, and each time he said to his wife, what did he say. His wife would yell the answer to him.
The doctor checked his heart & blood pressure etc, and said that he would like to get some tests done.
He told the old fella, to bring in a sample of his urine, faeces and semen. One again he said to his missus what did he say !!!
His wife yelled the answer to him a couple of times, but he still couldn't hear her.

In utter frustration, she yelled to her husband, he wants you to bring in your pyjamas !!!
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place... the grass is almost a foot high!"
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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For those that nit-pick about the meaning of words, there is a great distinction between Guts and Balls.
We have all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
To simplify things here are the definitions

GUTS – Is arriving home late, after a night out with your mates, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, "are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with your mates, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, and slapping her on the bottom and having the Balls to say "you're next Chubby".

This should clear up any confusion on the definitions of the two.
Warning: Medically speaking, there is no difference. Both result in a quick but Painful Death.
 
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bigwow

Tiger Legend
Jul 24, 2003
7,155
3,951
Melbourne
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"
The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
 
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bigwow

Tiger Legend
Jul 24, 2003
7,155
3,951
Melbourne
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.
There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple.
The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest.
He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.
 
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