Personal and Domestic violence

[TigerForce]

That's really interesting. I wonder if many others have that repeat experience. Maybe it's the vibe. Men and women sometimes cross the street when they see me coming too...always when I have my big German Shepherd with me. Scary teddy bear that he is. :nailbiting

I've seen that happen before. Maybe I'm ugly.....anyway....after work years ago, I used to do a 15 minute walk home from the local train station during winter when it was dark, and noticed some women walking on their own occasionally looking over their shoulder. At one time, when I was walking behind, I had to adjust my pace to not get too close to her.

 

[Rosy]

..... and noticed some women walking on their own occasionally looking over their shoulder. At one time, when I was walking behind, I had to adjust my pace to not get too close to her.

I'd look over my shoulder if someone was walking behind me at night too. I avoid walking alone at night because I find it scary. I've had several bad incidents I could write about.

 

[TigerForce]

I'd look over my shoulder if someone was walking behind me at night too. I avoid walking alone at night because I find it scary. I've had several bad incidents I could write about.

Tell us. A lot of women (as my 2 sisters have) find a creep or 2 in their lifetime.

 

[LeeToRainesToRoach]

Come on LTR, you're acting like a spoilt child. All of us men arent bad, that's nonsense (just like all Muslims arent terrorists, all priests aren't peodophiles etc) . But there are TOO many that are (in all 3 examples!).

And again, I can't say I've ever had a woman "occassionally cross the street when I'm walking towards them, presumaambly to avoid the remote possibility of physical assault by a stranger"

Nobody is saying all men are bad....except maybe Clementine Ford......

Well, not in as many words. It's the vibe...

 

[LeeToRainesToRoach]

That's really interesting. I wonder if many others have that repeat experience. Maybe it's the vibe. Men and women sometimes cross the street when they see me coming too...always when I have my big German Shepherd with me. Scary teddy bear that he is. :nailbiting

Put it this way, I'm roughly the same dimensions as Dustin Martin, who seems to terrify people with his appearance.

If the dog's big enough to be returning from the last race at Flemington, I'm crossing the street too.

 

[Rosy]

Tell us. A lot of women (as my 2 sisters have) find a creep or 2 in their lifetime.

A few come to mind at the moment. All when I was around 18-24ish.

Was walking home from work one day when a man coming from the other direction lunged at me and put his hand up my dress. I think it's the only person I have hit in my life. As I took off he ran towards me. I had a denim shoulder bag full of 20 cent coins (to use the pay phone) and I swung it at him. It sent him flying and gave me the opportunity to run around the corner and home.

Was a hostess for a coach company and we were all sleeping in an underground house in Coober Pedy. I woke to one of the passengers trying a sickening obscene gesture with me.

Working for the coach company again I'd been to Sea World enough so when the passengers had a day there I went to the beach instead. When I went to go back through the sand dunes a bloke started running after me. I got through to civilisation just in time. Thankfully it wasn't that far. Never did see my thongs and towel again.

This one was a really close shave. I applied for a job advertised in the Weekly Times to work on a horse stud in South Australia. There was an arrangement made to meet outside Spencer St Station. I went down and didn't meet the bloke. He rang me and asked where I'd got to. What threw him out was my boyfriend was with me and he said he expected me to be alone. Should have heard alarm bells ringing then. I went back a second time and met him. We went in his car (I know so naive and not street wise) to get some lunch. On the way he started talking about the job. He asked me words I'd use for what the stallion does to the mare and names for certain parts of the body etc. He was creepy as and I was petrified. Thankfully he was a bit distracted and the bonnet of his car god caught under a boom gate that was closing. I jumped out of the car and bolted. Some time later a young girl's murder in SA was in the papers. I am 100% sure it was the same man. He had distinctive red hair, pointy nose and beady eyes that I've never forgotten.

My cousin invited me for dinner with his family. When he was driving me home he stopped on a dark, dirt road and started to molest me. Thankfully a car came up behind us. I jumped out and asked them for help. They told me to get back in with him and they'd follow us. As soon as we got to the end of the road he got out, opened my door pulled me out and drove off. I was at the opposite end of the city to where I lived and had no money or phone. Next day his wife was on my doorstep abusing me for putting the hard word on her husband. She was feral. That cousin fell from a ceiling in an industrial shed and was killed. I'm a bit ashamed I learned I had a hard side then. All I felt was relief. So glad I'd never have to see him again.

I've also been held against my will twice by 2 different . An awful position to be in. I didn't fear for my life and wasn't touched in any way but it was humiliating and frightening just the same and I felt so hopeless. Once was for a few days and once a couple of weeks.

There are some, too many, horrifying other stories that I can't tell publicly out of fear for mine and others' lives. They were more personal than the random ones above.

 

[TigerForce]

Going by these stories, I'll make the assumption you were (are) an attractive female as they would be the most targeted. I can still see it happening in public (trains, trams, parks etc..) with men of all ages continuously glancing at a lonely attractive woman. I saw it again today on the train to the City with a 60 year old bloke gazing at a young lady wearing one of those short dresses (i.e. showing her legs a bit)

This one was a really close shave. I applied for a job advertised in the Weekly Times to work on a horse stud in South Australia. There was an arrangement made to meet outside Spencer St Station. I went down and didn't meet the bloke. He rang me and asked where I'd got to. What threw him out was my boyfriend was with me and he said he expected me to be alone. Should have heard alarm bells ringing then. I went back a second time and met him. We went in his car (I know so naive and not street wise) to get some lunch. On the way he started talking about the job. He asked me words I'd use for what the stallion does to the mare and names for certain parts of the body etc. He was creepy as and I was petrified. Thankfully he was a bit distracted and the bonnet of his car god caught under a boom gate that was closing. I jumped out of the car and bolted. Some time later a young girl's murder in SA was in the papers. I am 100% sure it was the same man. He had distinctive red hair, pointy nose and beady eyes that I've never forgotten.

This one above is terrible. What happened after you ran away? Did he try to track you down? The process to find a job back then was easy as that quick meeting and discussion, but obviously wasn't filtered well.

 

[loto]

""Going by these stories, I'll make the assumption you were (are) an attractive female as they would be the most targeted.""

TF you can't be serious surely? Rosy's awful experiences are about power, more specifically the misuse of power by men.

 

[KnightersRevenge]

That is awful Rosy. But unfortunately it proves my point. Most men balk at the idea that 75% of women will be assaulted or abused in their lifetime. In my experience this is easy to imagine and we need to keep talking about it. It is not women or femenazis being hysterical this is a real problem and blokes just don't see it. And no TF how "attractive" Rosy is has nothing to do with, it is about the bloke. And LTRTR I know what you mean but I really do think that the attitudes set up in young men play a massive part in turning "harmless fun" into domestic abuse. I know that is a Slippery Slope argument but I think it is valid.

 

[skybeau]

Women's judgement ought to be part of the discussion.

Good grief.

You know how many attempts it takes someone to successfully leave a DV relationship, on average? Seven. You know why? DV perps are exceptionally gifted at manipulation, whether that is through direct fear (come back or I'll kill you/kids/dog etc, for example), or through coercion (I'll kill myself if you don't come back, for example).

Maybe if DV perps chose other behaviours (that made them not DV perps, I know, crazy thought eh), then we wouldn't need to victim blame like you've done.

Also, keep in mind that there are two moments in a relationship when a victim is at significantly increased risk of escalated and severe violence. The first is at the birth of a child (can you guess why that may be?). The second? During a break up. That's why women will often stay in a relationship such as the one you describe, because the fear of leaving far far outweighs the fear of staying. It's not as simple as being "if he hits you, just leave". And that ignores every other form of violence that often occurs prior to physical violence.

""Going by these stories, I'll make the assumption you were (are) an attractive female as they would be the most targeted.""

TF you can't be serious surely? Rosy's awful experiences are about power, more specifically the misuse of power by men.

Spot on. A woman could be dressed in a potato sack and still be assaulted by a man. The dress, the attractiveness, the inebriation, the age etc etc...they are never reasons or excuses or explanations for assault.

 

[Rosy]

Going by these stories, I'll make the assumption you were (are) an attractive female as they would be the most targeted. ......

I doubt the sickos would have level of attractiveness as their main priority. The key word in your post is female rather than attractive female.

There are so many misconceptions and ignorant comments (meaning in general rather than referring to your post) that I think it's important to discuss this kind of violence is discussed, whether domestic, predatory or opportunistic.

 

[TigerForce]

I doubt the sickos would have level of attractiveness as their main priority. The key word in your post is female rather than attractive female.

There are so many misconceptions and ignorant comments (meaning in general rather than referring to your post) that I think it's important to discuss this kind of violence, whether domestic, predatory or opportunistic.

I get your (and other posters) point Rosy. I just remember a lady I worked with 18 years ago who was very attractive and was quietly whistled and glanced at nearly every time some young blokes crossed paths (even some managers did it with a wry smile believe it or not). She became so sick and tired of it that she cut her (beautiful) long hair, took of her earrings and started over-dressing more.

 

[Rancey18]

I'm a male, yet if I happen to be walking late at night in a dark street and see someone walking towards me I cross over to the other side of the street so as to not have to cross paths with them. Makes me feel safer and at least reduces the risk of something happening as you never know with some people.

I know that this isn't really relevant to domestic violence, but thought I'd just share what I do after reading this mentioned earlier.

 

[LeeToRainesToRoach]

That's why women will often stay in a relationship such as the one you describe, because the fear of leaving far far outweighs the fear of staying. It's not as simple as being "if he hits you, just leave". And that ignores every other form of violence that often occurs prior to physical violence.

Seen it happen a couple of times. Wait till partner leaves for work, leave note, take everything.

What you describe as "fear of leaving outweighing the fear of staying" is in some cases the woman expecting to be hit during relationship and being prepared to tolerate it up to a point. (No doubt you will perceive this as victim-blaming.)

At some point these relationships take a dark turn. Women need to be able to recognise the signs and cut their losses. (Obviously children make the situation infinitely more difficult.) That's what I meant by "women's judgement ought to be part of the discussion".

 

[Bullarto Tiger]

Violence should simply be a redundant issue ... hopefully one day ... yet I doubt that ... violence is abhorrent.

 

[Rosy]

........
What you describe as "fear of leaving outweighing the fear of staying" is in some cases the woman expecting to be hit during relationship and being prepared to tolerate it up to a point. (No doubt you will perceive this as victim-blaming.)

At some point these relationships take a dark turn. Women need to be able to recognise the signs and cut their losses. (Obviously children make the situation infinitely more difficult.) That's what I meant by "women's judgement ought to be part of the discussion".

I don't perceive that as victim bashing but I do find it a quite sad attitude and not really that understanding of the situation. Plenty of domestic violence, often fatal, occurs after women have left their abusive partners. Rather than staying and expecting and tolerating being hit it is often a case of fear for lives that make it hard to leave. It seems to me that Rosie Batty's judgement in separating from her partner didn't help her or Luke much.

 

[LeeToRainesToRoach]

It seems to me that Rosie Batty's judgement in separating from her partner didn't help her or Luke much.

Would've helped if she'd stayed separated the first time. I'm relying on Wiki here...

"Batty met Greg Anderson in 1992 when they worked together at a recruitment company, and the two began a romantic relationship that lasted two years.
...
Batty has said that Anderson's abuse began shortly after they met
...
In 2001 they had another brief relationship which lead to Batty's pregnancy. Their son Luke Batty was born on the 20th of June 2002."



Obviously some situations are more complex than others, but why did this obviously strong woman rekindle a relationship that had been abusive?

 

[Rosy]

Would've helped if she'd stayed separated the first time. I'm relying on Wiki here...

........

You can't possibly know if it "would've helped" or not. Nobody could know that. Might have helped in the fact Luke mightn't have been born but there is no way of knowing what other atrocities could have occurred.

I can't answer your question about the obviously strong woman rekindling a relationship. I wouldn't have a clue what the circumstances and/or feelings were in their situation. I see no point in speculation or judging victims of domestic violence.

 

[Sintiger]

The most difficult part to me of this discussion generally is the whole issue of victim blaming .

I have 2 daughters and I have always talked to them about how they dress, how they act, what they say etc when they are out. That has no relation whatsoever to any blame that may be attached to them should they be involved in any incident. It's not about blaming them if they get some creepy male accosting them it's just that I want them to be safe or as safe as they can be.

The statement that a female may have been safer if her skirt was longer or wasn't showing so much cleavage is a really fine line between recognising that we have sleezebags in our society and some people perceiving that as victim blaming. The fact is she may have been safer but that is not about blaming her for the actions of a male , it's more about recognising a fact.

As I said I find that really difficult to explain to some because some just see me as a victim blamer if I say it.

 

[Rosy]

......
The statement that a female may have been safer if her skirt was longer or wasn't showing so much cleavage is a really fine line between recognising that we have sleezebags in our society and some people perceiving that as victim blaming.
......

I wonder how much what a woman wears relates to her being abused. I'd be surprised if it was a major factor in physical abuse but reckon it would increase the odds of being perved at and wolf whistles. I certainly never wore short skirts or had exposed cleavage.