RODNEY Dangerfield one-liners
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. My girlfriend always wants to talk to me during sex. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy: "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said: "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly ... my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father: "I'm sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said: "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said: "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him: "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap - he was in the electric chair.
22. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. My girlfriend always wants to talk to me during sex. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy: "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said: "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly ... my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father: "I'm sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said: "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said: "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him: "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap - he was in the electric chair.
22. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
