AFL Wine Review
Queen Adelaide Crow Chardonnay:
Successful straight off the vine but has aged poorly and lacks
character. Popular in South Australia but, where more choice is offered,
tends to be overlooked. Not likely to improve much in the near future.
Give it to your Auntie!
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Lion's Crest Cabernet Sauvignon:
Despite an unattractive maroon colouring, this strong Queensland variety
is flavour of the month after winning a gold medal at the Australian
wine festival. A blended wine where the AFL squeezed the last drop of
life out of the Fitzroy Cabernet grape variety then mixed with the
fruity but otherwise dreadful Carrara Bear Estate Savignon. Scary thing
is this wine is not even fully mature yet and could even improve
further.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carlton Blue Lanbrusca:
A fizzy Mediterranean-style that has a sickening taste. Rich and
obnoxious, this wine suits those who favour a quick fix or they'll *smile*
off to the soccer. Well aged, the Carlton Blue seems to always turn up
at the end of season party even though no one else likes it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carringbush Magpie Moselle:
Cheap and nasty, with considerable bitterness. A disappointing and
fruitless wine that for whatever reason still appears very popular with
the peasantry. Tends to spend a lot of time in the cellar in the hope
that it might improve - but don't hold your breath.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windy Peak Hill Pinot Noir:
Fine wine with a lot of character, always a crowd favourite due to its
taste and longevity. Does very well at awards as it is a perennial
finalist. Generates strong following by knowledgable supporters, always
a top seller. Wine maker is slightly eccentric.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Fremantle Hodgepodge Fruit Cider (Purple and Green label):
Not a real wine at all and doesn't look like it ever will be. Management
still believes that if you shove an under-ripe banana in with some
leftover lemons, grapefruit and an eggplant, and stick it in a Bamix,
eventually something tasty might eventually emerge. It might not too!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Old Geelong Sweet Sherry:
Popular with the oldies and fairly inoffensive, but a poor season at the
Corio vineyard has meant a dramatic decline in quality recently. This
wine could be appropriate for a Last Supper unless their Messiah comes
back real soon.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hawksthorn Riesling:
If you can get past the awful colouring and that it is low alcohol, this
is a reasonably satisfying drop that will please the whole family (and
your pets too!). Bland and tasteless, this wine has a nutty flavour that
appeals to those who belong to the Cardigan-set. Can also be used as a
hair bleach.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Kangaroo Flat Spumante:
Trendy for a little while but doesn't have a lot of fans and, after a
halting of imports to New South Wales and Canberra, this wine may
disappear from shelves altogether. Premium 'Carey' vine is getting old
and using imported grapes hasn't been at all successful to date. Always
good value but increased costs leave this bargain-basement variety with
nowhere to go.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Old Melbourne Hermitage:
A classic variety that appears more appropriate to days-gone-by than
today. Clashing flavours - fuddy-duddy indifference versus erratic
opportunism - leaves a bad aftertaste for all but the most devoted.
Still popular with old tossers, but living only on past glories now.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Port Port:
a home grown whine...I mean wine...that has only recently appeared on
shelves. Colourful label belies a vinegar flavour that will win few fans
outside its home state. Fairly cheap and great for drinking out of brown
paper bags, expect to see plenty of empty bottles of this in bus
shelters from Alberton to Port Augusta.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Richmond Hill Gold and Black label Shiraz:
A bold, high-alcohol variety that appears on shelves with a great
fanfare every March, but tends to have completely sold out by September.
Inconsistent texture that tantalises but always fails to deliver,
although recent crops appear to have more potential. WARNING: This wine
is associated with high rates of alcoholism and violence.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
All Saint Claret:
No wine has spent longer in the cellar than this one. You'd think by now
it might have improved, but Nup! Still bloody terrible and not likely to
improve given that newly-hired winemaker Thomas's last job was brewing
backyard root beer in Warrnambool.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sydney Swan Views Wooded Chardonnay:
Using recycled grapes appears to have worked reasonably well over the
past decade without real success. Interesting fermentation process that
involves flooding ripe grapes with midfielders of questionable disposal
skills - this works because they use a half-sized bottle instead of a
real one. Take a bottle of this to the theatre!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
West Coast House White:
Don't expect this variety to emerge from the cellar for another 10
years. Crappy, imported grapes mixed with past-their-prime vinegars sums
up this rapidly deteriorating vintage wine. In a word - yuck!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dogbreath Grappa:
This bottle of wine is best used for belting someone over the head with
while they are not looking. More a weapon than a wine.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Queen Adelaide Crow Chardonnay:
Successful straight off the vine but has aged poorly and lacks
character. Popular in South Australia but, where more choice is offered,
tends to be overlooked. Not likely to improve much in the near future.
Give it to your Auntie!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Lion's Crest Cabernet Sauvignon:
Despite an unattractive maroon colouring, this strong Queensland variety
is flavour of the month after winning a gold medal at the Australian
wine festival. A blended wine where the AFL squeezed the last drop of
life out of the Fitzroy Cabernet grape variety then mixed with the
fruity but otherwise dreadful Carrara Bear Estate Savignon. Scary thing
is this wine is not even fully mature yet and could even improve
further.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carlton Blue Lanbrusca:
A fizzy Mediterranean-style that has a sickening taste. Rich and
obnoxious, this wine suits those who favour a quick fix or they'll *smile*
off to the soccer. Well aged, the Carlton Blue seems to always turn up
at the end of season party even though no one else likes it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carringbush Magpie Moselle:
Cheap and nasty, with considerable bitterness. A disappointing and
fruitless wine that for whatever reason still appears very popular with
the peasantry. Tends to spend a lot of time in the cellar in the hope
that it might improve - but don't hold your breath.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windy Peak Hill Pinot Noir:
Fine wine with a lot of character, always a crowd favourite due to its
taste and longevity. Does very well at awards as it is a perennial
finalist. Generates strong following by knowledgable supporters, always
a top seller. Wine maker is slightly eccentric.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Fremantle Hodgepodge Fruit Cider (Purple and Green label):
Not a real wine at all and doesn't look like it ever will be. Management
still believes that if you shove an under-ripe banana in with some
leftover lemons, grapefruit and an eggplant, and stick it in a Bamix,
eventually something tasty might eventually emerge. It might not too!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Old Geelong Sweet Sherry:
Popular with the oldies and fairly inoffensive, but a poor season at the
Corio vineyard has meant a dramatic decline in quality recently. This
wine could be appropriate for a Last Supper unless their Messiah comes
back real soon.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hawksthorn Riesling:
If you can get past the awful colouring and that it is low alcohol, this
is a reasonably satisfying drop that will please the whole family (and
your pets too!). Bland and tasteless, this wine has a nutty flavour that
appeals to those who belong to the Cardigan-set. Can also be used as a
hair bleach.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Kangaroo Flat Spumante:
Trendy for a little while but doesn't have a lot of fans and, after a
halting of imports to New South Wales and Canberra, this wine may
disappear from shelves altogether. Premium 'Carey' vine is getting old
and using imported grapes hasn't been at all successful to date. Always
good value but increased costs leave this bargain-basement variety with
nowhere to go.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Old Melbourne Hermitage:
A classic variety that appears more appropriate to days-gone-by than
today. Clashing flavours - fuddy-duddy indifference versus erratic
opportunism - leaves a bad aftertaste for all but the most devoted.
Still popular with old tossers, but living only on past glories now.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Port Port:
a home grown whine...I mean wine...that has only recently appeared on
shelves. Colourful label belies a vinegar flavour that will win few fans
outside its home state. Fairly cheap and great for drinking out of brown
paper bags, expect to see plenty of empty bottles of this in bus
shelters from Alberton to Port Augusta.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Richmond Hill Gold and Black label Shiraz:
A bold, high-alcohol variety that appears on shelves with a great
fanfare every March, but tends to have completely sold out by September.
Inconsistent texture that tantalises but always fails to deliver,
although recent crops appear to have more potential. WARNING: This wine
is associated with high rates of alcoholism and violence.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
All Saint Claret:
No wine has spent longer in the cellar than this one. You'd think by now
it might have improved, but Nup! Still bloody terrible and not likely to
improve given that newly-hired winemaker Thomas's last job was brewing
backyard root beer in Warrnambool.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sydney Swan Views Wooded Chardonnay:
Using recycled grapes appears to have worked reasonably well over the
past decade without real success. Interesting fermentation process that
involves flooding ripe grapes with midfielders of questionable disposal
skills - this works because they use a half-sized bottle instead of a
real one. Take a bottle of this to the theatre!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
West Coast House White:
Don't expect this variety to emerge from the cellar for another 10
years. Crappy, imported grapes mixed with past-their-prime vinegars sums
up this rapidly deteriorating vintage wine. In a word - yuck!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dogbreath Grappa:
This bottle of wine is best used for belting someone over the head with
while they are not looking. More a weapon than a wine.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
