Study links umpire collisions and masturbation
by STAFF REPORTERS
"Palms of AFL players may be developing hair"
The AFL is a football-based world of hand-lovers in shock today after a landmark medical study was published, linking the recent spate of umpire collisions and rampant masturbation within League ranks.
“There can be no doubt,” said Professor Julius Poindexter from the famous Ponds Institute. “AFL players are wankers. The fact that the League has had to go to the extreme lengths of putting umpires in brightly coloured tops in a desperate attempt to stop players crashing into them only shows the extent of the problem.”
Professor Poindexter’s research has used several large computers, a couple with those flash LCD flat screens, to crunch through all kinds of statistical analysis, comparing umpire collisions with the widely held belief among teenage boys that wanking will make you go blind.
“Once I eliminated the variables down to those two things, the results flowed quickly,” Professor Poindexter told The Bladder.
“The evidence is compelling. Umpires have been running around in white uniforms for more than a century. Somehow, in all of that time, for games involving any combination of Collingwood, North, the Swans, St Kilda or Geelong , all of which also feature plenty of white on their uniforms, umpires were hardly ever whacked – at least, that’s true once you remove from the analysis the red herring variable that is Phil Carman.”
“But suddenly, over the past couple of years, the men in white are falling like nine-pins – even in games involving teams like Hawthorn, West Coast or Adelaide, which don’t even have white on their uniforms.”
“Clearly, my research proves that very few League players are ‘Masters of their Domain’, at least compared to pre-2000.
“As a result of all this solo loving, their eyesight is absolutely shot and umpires have run onto the field and found themselves among the human equivalent of 40 rhinoceros – big lumbering giants who can’t see you if you stand still but charge, the moment you try running backwards.”
League chief executive Wayne Jackson admitted that Prof. Poindexter’s findings offered food for thought and wondered privately how players even managed to make it to the ground, given they couldn’t recognise an umpire within five metres.
The Bladder was unable to contact a spokesman for the AFL Players Association because they were out buying tissues.
by STAFF REPORTERS
"Palms of AFL players may be developing hair"
The AFL is a football-based world of hand-lovers in shock today after a landmark medical study was published, linking the recent spate of umpire collisions and rampant masturbation within League ranks.
“There can be no doubt,” said Professor Julius Poindexter from the famous Ponds Institute. “AFL players are wankers. The fact that the League has had to go to the extreme lengths of putting umpires in brightly coloured tops in a desperate attempt to stop players crashing into them only shows the extent of the problem.”
Professor Poindexter’s research has used several large computers, a couple with those flash LCD flat screens, to crunch through all kinds of statistical analysis, comparing umpire collisions with the widely held belief among teenage boys that wanking will make you go blind.
“Once I eliminated the variables down to those two things, the results flowed quickly,” Professor Poindexter told The Bladder.
“The evidence is compelling. Umpires have been running around in white uniforms for more than a century. Somehow, in all of that time, for games involving any combination of Collingwood, North, the Swans, St Kilda or Geelong , all of which also feature plenty of white on their uniforms, umpires were hardly ever whacked – at least, that’s true once you remove from the analysis the red herring variable that is Phil Carman.”
“But suddenly, over the past couple of years, the men in white are falling like nine-pins – even in games involving teams like Hawthorn, West Coast or Adelaide, which don’t even have white on their uniforms.”
“Clearly, my research proves that very few League players are ‘Masters of their Domain’, at least compared to pre-2000.
“As a result of all this solo loving, their eyesight is absolutely shot and umpires have run onto the field and found themselves among the human equivalent of 40 rhinoceros – big lumbering giants who can’t see you if you stand still but charge, the moment you try running backwards.”
League chief executive Wayne Jackson admitted that Prof. Poindexter’s findings offered food for thought and wondered privately how players even managed to make it to the ground, given they couldn’t recognise an umpire within five metres.
The Bladder was unable to contact a spokesman for the AFL Players Association because they were out buying tissues.
