Jokes Thread | PUNT ROAD END | Richmond Tigers Forum
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Jokes Thread

mrposhman

Tiger Legend
Oct 6, 2013
17,751
20,977
A older gentleman was talking about relationships.

"I'm coming up to being 50 years married" the man said.
"Wow thats amazing mate, how do you do it" another man asked
"Its easy" the old man says, "the key is taking her on lots of trips. For example for our 25th wedding anniversary I took her to China, and shortly I'm going to go and pick her up"
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
Jun 8, 2013
2,788
4,148
A family is following behind a garbage truck when suddenly an old dildo falls out, hits the road, bouncers off the windscreen and over the car.

To hide her embarrassment mum turns to the kids in the back and says " Oh my that was a big insect"!

Her 7 year old son replies, "Gee mum I’m surprised it could even fly with a c0ck that big !!!!!"
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
Jun 8, 2013
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4,148
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
Jun 8, 2013
2,788
4,148
An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot. One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something

about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.' ;);)
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
Jun 8, 2013
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One dark night outside a small town in Norway, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved.

I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000.

Then walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief,

"What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief.

"Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck! :mad:
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
Jun 8, 2013
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4,148
A WIFE Sends a Message to Her HUSBAND

WIFE: “Honey, please don't forget to buy bread when you're coming home from work and lest I forget... Your girlfriend Elizabeth is also here and says hello to you.”

HUSBAND: Who is Elizabeth?

WIFE : Nobody, I just wanted you to respond, so I can have confirmation that you saw my message.

HUSBAND: But I’m with Elizabeth right now, I thought you saw us!

WIFE: What! Where are you?

Husband: Near the neighbourhood bakery.

WIFE: Wait, I’m coming right now!

After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:

WIFE: I’m at the bakery, where are you?

HUSBAND: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, please buy the bread and go home!
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
Jun 8, 2013
2,788
4,148
Found this elsewhere but couldn’t help thinking how it applied to some threads (and posters) on PRE. Enjoy! :cool:



Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct

49 to post memes, gifs, and tag groups (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn, “I’m just here for the comments,” “inb4 the B I G like bar,” etc.)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you

12 to post F

8 to ask what F means

7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
 
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tigertim

something funny is written here
Mar 6, 2004
29,850
12,082
Found this elsewhere but couldn’t help thinking how it applied to some threads (and posters) on PRE. Enjoy! :cool:



Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct

49 to post memes, gifs, and tag groups (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn, “I’m just here for the comments,” “inb4 the B I G like bar,” etc.)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you

12 to post F

8 to ask what F means

7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
Why have we got a post about light bulbs on a footy forum?
 
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larabee

Tiger Champion
Jun 11, 2010
3,673
5,374
Tigerland
Found this elsewhere but couldn’t help thinking how it applied to some threads (and posters) on PRE. Enjoy! :cool:



Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct

49 to post memes, gifs, and tag groups (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn, “I’m just here for the comments,” “inb4 the B I G like bar,” etc.)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you

12 to post F

8 to ask what F means

7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
4 people to post LED light bulbs are woke
 
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Willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
18,151
6,030
Aldinga Beach
Leprechauns ❤️
A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one.
With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."
The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me weeny a bit larger"
"Wish granted." says the leprechaun, as he skips away.
Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts.
He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him.
By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.
He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it.
He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again.
After purchasing five buckets of balls, he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one.
Again, the leprechaun offered any wish.
The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer
 
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Willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
18,151
6,030
Aldinga Beach
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
24,116
19,569
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.One Saturday night, as he was sitting in the saloon, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition."Could you possibly give me some tips?" he asked.The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.""Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man."Yep, sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player."That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?""Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.""Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man."Yep, you bet it will," replied the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player."Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning' somethin' here - got any more tips?"The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun."No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.""Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man."Nope," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
 
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tigerman

It's Tiger Time
Mar 17, 2003
24,116
19,569
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
 
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