Jokes Thread

Ian4

BIN MAN!
May 6, 2004
19,079
46
Melbourne
OK, i thought i'd start a thread for people to share their best (or worst) jokes. just keep the content reasonably clean or else aunty Rosy (or some other wowser) might complain.

one of my favourite jokes of all time:

Q: what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: wiped his bum.
 

Ian4

BIN MAN!
May 6, 2004
19,079
46
Melbourne
Roberta Williams visted Carl the day before he died. She noticed how fat Carl was getting and said, "Geez, Carl; an exercise bike wouldn't kill you."
 

TigerForce

Richmond has a better list.
Apr 26, 2004
47,186
188
Cheap one from my Pies - supporting neighbour:-

Q. What does a man from Hobart and a crazy lover of Chris Tarrant have in common?









A. They both live in Tasmania.
 

Rfc4Ever

Tiger Legend
Oct 5, 2007
10,836
15
Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus??








He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
 

TigerForce

Richmond has a better list.
Apr 26, 2004
47,186
188
Rfc4Ever said:
Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus??


He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
The Irish ones were classics especially with Dave Allen................until political correctness settled in.....
 

Rosy

Tiger Legend
Mar 27, 2003
54,347
3
Roy Sart said:
Past, Present & Future walked into a bar....it was tense. :rofl
I love that one. Exactly what I am looking for to put in the Christmas bon-bons I'm making. Do you have a dozen or so more Roy?
 

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,845
0
Hobart
Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac?

He used to lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
 

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,845
0
Hobart
Irish Hunting Trip

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
 

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,845
0
Hobart
Kylie, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.
Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.
Robbie pulls her knickers down and does it to her senseless.
He turns to Elton, says 'your turn' but Elton starts crying.
'What's wrong', asks Robbie?
Elton sobs and says 'my head won't fit in the railings'.
 

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,845
0
Hobart
This is A True Inspirational Story









Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'

Then I thought...



'Hell - I could win this!'
 

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,845
0
Hobart
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never screw with a guy who can loop his ***** over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
 

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,845
0
Hobart
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted