With the pre-season drafts all but complete, Greg Miller has revealed the strategy behind the targeting of Nathan Brown, Dean Solomon and Robert Coupland. Guided by the 18th century French science of Phrenology, Miller was able to gather valuable insights into the character, playing ability, likes and dislikes of all potential players by looking at the topology of their skulls.
"Look, there's a shedload of data and metrics associated with recruitment these days. Vertical leap, skin fold tests, psychometrics, biometrics. spine measurements, medicals, Myers-Briggs tests. . . .Picking a kid from the draft. . .well it's a bloody big investment and we wanted to make sure that we don't *smile* it up again. Lots of the kids we're looking at haven't even hit puberty and we are being asked to pick them on the basis of a few minutes with a ruler, a stopwatch and a clipboard. For me, and the football department, phrenology is a deadset revelation. It cuts through all that bio-babble and tells it like it is. We wouldn't have gone for young Alex Gilmour (pick #21) except for a broad Decision sphere that runs from his eye socket to his temple. Very impressive it was, up there with Matty Knights."
"Nathan Brown's got a long nose. That's apparently a good thing so when we saw the results back from the Nuremberg Uni's Phrenology Unit and showed them to Danny Frawley, he gave us the green light to go ahead and get Browny."
Adrian von Braacht of Nuremberg University was bought into consult on the project."Look, yeah I was pleased that the Tigers have decided to get involved with Phrenology. They've shown real leadership. Phrenology has copped a lot of negative press, mostly from people who's eyes are too close together. If you look at some of the games' great players, you'll see that they've all got a head and eyes where they should be.
However, anti-phrenologists such as William Dampier of the University of Utrecht feel clubs shouldn't rely too much on the ancient science. "Look, just because a bloke has got a broad forehead or a cyst someplace strange, doesn't mean he's going to be a great player. I'd be far more interested in whether the kid can kick the ball, not whether he's got a square jaw. If phrenology is supposed to measure success at footy, then will someone please explain Mickey Martin or Paul Barnard to me?"
Reports have been coming in of young men who are so desperate to play for the Tigers that they are taking blunt instruments to their heads or engaging in full contact violence with each other in order to get bumps in the right places.
No club official was available to comment on rumours of another Dark Ages science, Alchemy, being utilised to assist with the Tigers current troublesome financial situation.
"Look, there's a shedload of data and metrics associated with recruitment these days. Vertical leap, skin fold tests, psychometrics, biometrics. spine measurements, medicals, Myers-Briggs tests. . . .Picking a kid from the draft. . .well it's a bloody big investment and we wanted to make sure that we don't *smile* it up again. Lots of the kids we're looking at haven't even hit puberty and we are being asked to pick them on the basis of a few minutes with a ruler, a stopwatch and a clipboard. For me, and the football department, phrenology is a deadset revelation. It cuts through all that bio-babble and tells it like it is. We wouldn't have gone for young Alex Gilmour (pick #21) except for a broad Decision sphere that runs from his eye socket to his temple. Very impressive it was, up there with Matty Knights."
"Nathan Brown's got a long nose. That's apparently a good thing so when we saw the results back from the Nuremberg Uni's Phrenology Unit and showed them to Danny Frawley, he gave us the green light to go ahead and get Browny."
Adrian von Braacht of Nuremberg University was bought into consult on the project."Look, yeah I was pleased that the Tigers have decided to get involved with Phrenology. They've shown real leadership. Phrenology has copped a lot of negative press, mostly from people who's eyes are too close together. If you look at some of the games' great players, you'll see that they've all got a head and eyes where they should be.
However, anti-phrenologists such as William Dampier of the University of Utrecht feel clubs shouldn't rely too much on the ancient science. "Look, just because a bloke has got a broad forehead or a cyst someplace strange, doesn't mean he's going to be a great player. I'd be far more interested in whether the kid can kick the ball, not whether he's got a square jaw. If phrenology is supposed to measure success at footy, then will someone please explain Mickey Martin or Paul Barnard to me?"
Reports have been coming in of young men who are so desperate to play for the Tigers that they are taking blunt instruments to their heads or engaging in full contact violence with each other in order to get bumps in the right places.
No club official was available to comment on rumours of another Dark Ages science, Alchemy, being utilised to assist with the Tigers current troublesome financial situation.
What a great line. I have always been worried about people without a good 4-5 cms between their eyes. 