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IMPORTANT // Please look after your loved ones, yourself and be kind to others. If you are feeling that the world is too hard to handle there is always help - I implore you not to hesitate in contacting one of these wonderful organisations Lifeline and Beyond Blue ... and I'm sure reaching out to our PRE community we will find a way to help. T.
The Quickie Thread!
- Thread starter pahoffm
- Start date
> 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
> Lesson 1:
> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
> towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
> the next-door neighbor.
> Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
> towel."
> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
> naked in front of Bob.
> After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
> The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
> When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
> "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
>
> "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he
> owes me?"
> Moral of the story:
> If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
> your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
> avoidable exposure.
>
Lesson 2:
> A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
> forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
> After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
> The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
> The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his
> handslide up her leg again.
> The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
> The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
> Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
>
> On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm129.
> It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you willfind glory."
>
> Moral of the story:
> If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for
> advancement will pass right by you.[/color]
>
> Lesson 3:
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
> lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
> comes out.
> The
> Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
> "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
> Bahamas,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
> Puff! She's gone.
>
> "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
> Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
> supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
> Puff! He's gone.
>
> "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
> The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
> Moral of the story:
> Always let your boss have the first say.
>
>
> Lesson 4:
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
> saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
> nothing?"
> The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."
> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
> Moral of the story:
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
> up.
>
> Lesson 5:
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
> the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
> energy."
> "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
thebull.
> They're packed with nutrients."
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
> after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
> Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
> top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
> out of the tree.
> Moral of the story:
> Bull sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
>
> Lesson 6:
> A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the
> bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was
> lying there, a cow came by and sh!t on him.
> As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
> realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He
> lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
> A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
> Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
> cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
> Morals of the story:
> (1) Not everyone who *smile* on you is your enemy.
> (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend.
> (3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
>
> THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENTCOURSE.
>
> Lesson 1:
> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
> towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
> the next-door neighbor.
> Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
> towel."
> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
> naked in front of Bob.
> After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
> The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
> When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
> "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
>
> "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he
> owes me?"
> Moral of the story:
> If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
> your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
> avoidable exposure.
>
Lesson 2:
> A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
> forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
> After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
> The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
> The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his
> handslide up her leg again.
> The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
> The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
> Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
>
> On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm129.
> It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you willfind glory."
>
> Moral of the story:
> If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for
> advancement will pass right by you.[/color]
>
> Lesson 3:
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
> lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
> comes out.
> The
> Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
> "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
> Bahamas,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
> Puff! She's gone.
>
> "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
> Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
> supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
> Puff! He's gone.
>
> "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
> The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
> Moral of the story:
> Always let your boss have the first say.
>
>
> Lesson 4:
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
> saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
> nothing?"
> The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."
> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
> Moral of the story:
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
> up.
>
> Lesson 5:
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
> the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
> energy."
> "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
thebull.
> They're packed with nutrients."
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
> after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
> Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
> top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
> out of the tree.
> Moral of the story:
> Bull sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
>
> Lesson 6:
> A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the
> bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was
> lying there, a cow came by and sh!t on him.
> As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
> realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He
> lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
> A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
> Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
> cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
> Morals of the story:
> (1) Not everyone who *smile* on you is your enemy.
> (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend.
> (3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
>
> THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENTCOURSE.
>
>>>Subject: Fw: Collingwood's New Recruit ....
>
>>>
>>>Mick Malthouse heard there was a potential star footballer in Iraq.
>>>He persuaded Eddie to pay his fare to Iraq and off he went to check
>>>out this new lad. Sure enough Mick was very impressed with this
>>>new recruit from Iraq and brought him back to Collingwood to
>>>train. He trained all through the off season and when it was time
>>>for the first game he found himself sitting on the bench.
>>>Ten minutes into the last quarter, Nathan Buckley, did a knee and
>>>had to be carried off. Mick said to his young recruit, "This is it
>>>son, now is your chance to show me if my faith in you has paid
>>>off." Out the young Iraqi recruit went and played a glorious
>>>game. He took five blistering marks off the shoulders of his opponent,
> was
>>>instrumental in getting the ball to the forward line again and
>>>again and in the dying minutes of the game took a mark and kicked a
>>>goal from outside the 50 metre line after the siren to win the game
>>>for Collingwood.
>>>Mick and the team were in the dressing room after the game,
>>>triumphant, and Mick was talking to the boys. He told them to take
>>>heart from this young Iraqi recruit and how he had shown what you
>>>can achieve no matter how bad your circumstances are. He said how
>>>proud he was of the boy and he touched him on the shoulder and said
>>>, "Son, go into my office and ring your mother and tell her what
>>>you did today."
>>>The young Iraqi recruit went into Mick's office and rang his mother
>>>and said, "Mum do you know what happened to me today?"
>>>His mother, in a very distraught tone, said, "I do not care what
>>>happened to you today, let me tell you what happened to your
>>>family today. Your father was stabbed, your sister's car was
>>>bombed and our house has been torched. There are armed looters
>>>taking what is left of our belongings and I am too scared to go
>>>outside as there are gangs in the street."
>>>The boy said, "Mum, I'm sorry. I feel responsible for all of this."
>>>His mother replied, "Of course you are responsible, if it wasn't
>>>for you, we would not have moved to Collingwood."
>
>>>
>>>Mick Malthouse heard there was a potential star footballer in Iraq.
>>>He persuaded Eddie to pay his fare to Iraq and off he went to check
>>>out this new lad. Sure enough Mick was very impressed with this
>>>new recruit from Iraq and brought him back to Collingwood to
>>>train. He trained all through the off season and when it was time
>>>for the first game he found himself sitting on the bench.
>>>Ten minutes into the last quarter, Nathan Buckley, did a knee and
>>>had to be carried off. Mick said to his young recruit, "This is it
>>>son, now is your chance to show me if my faith in you has paid
>>>off." Out the young Iraqi recruit went and played a glorious
>>>game. He took five blistering marks off the shoulders of his opponent,
> was
>>>instrumental in getting the ball to the forward line again and
>>>again and in the dying minutes of the game took a mark and kicked a
>>>goal from outside the 50 metre line after the siren to win the game
>>>for Collingwood.
>>>Mick and the team were in the dressing room after the game,
>>>triumphant, and Mick was talking to the boys. He told them to take
>>>heart from this young Iraqi recruit and how he had shown what you
>>>can achieve no matter how bad your circumstances are. He said how
>>>proud he was of the boy and he touched him on the shoulder and said
>>>, "Son, go into my office and ring your mother and tell her what
>>>you did today."
>>>The young Iraqi recruit went into Mick's office and rang his mother
>>>and said, "Mum do you know what happened to me today?"
>>>His mother, in a very distraught tone, said, "I do not care what
>>>happened to you today, let me tell you what happened to your
>>>family today. Your father was stabbed, your sister's car was
>>>bombed and our house has been torched. There are armed looters
>>>taking what is left of our belongings and I am too scared to go
>>>outside as there are gangs in the street."
>>>The boy said, "Mum, I'm sorry. I feel responsible for all of this."
>>>His mother replied, "Of course you are responsible, if it wasn't
>>>for you, we would not have moved to Collingwood."
Military retirement bonus.
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer
an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of
$1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points
would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of
my willy to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had
received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with
him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em",
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of
the Chief's willy and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly
exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer
an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of
$1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points
would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of
my willy to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had
received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with
him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em",
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of
the Chief's willy and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly
exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
