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IMPORTANT // Please look after your loved ones, yourself and be kind to others. If you are feeling that the world is too hard to handle there is always help - I implore you not to hesitate in contacting one of these wonderful organisations Lifeline and Beyond Blue ... and I'm sure reaching out to our PRE community we will find a way to help. T.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Ian4
- Start date
Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a chap approached and flashed them.
Two of them had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.
Two of them had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.
Bloke sitting on a bus next to a gorgeous young mother with babe, who proceeds to unleash a heaving bosom to feed her child who will not suckle. Öh come on my beautiful suckle for mummy or i will have to give it to this nice man instead "!
The man is taken aback but thinks no more of it. Shortly after a few minutes have passed the young mother trys to suckle bubs again who still does not partake to which the young mother again pleads "Come on my dear bubby suckle for mummy or i will have to feed this nice man and you will miss out"!
To which the man sitting next to the young mother leans across and politely says "hey sweetheart can ya hurry up and make up your mind i shouldve got off this bus 5 stops ago" !!!!!
The man is taken aback but thinks no more of it. Shortly after a few minutes have passed the young mother trys to suckle bubs again who still does not partake to which the young mother again pleads "Come on my dear bubby suckle for mummy or i will have to feed this nice man and you will miss out"!
To which the man sitting next to the young mother leans across and politely says "hey sweetheart can ya hurry up and make up your mind i shouldve got off this bus 5 stops ago" !!!!!
An Australian was walking along a country road in New Zealand when he saw a farmer going at it with a sheep.
The Aussie yelled, "You know, mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looked around frantically and said, "I'm not shearing her with no one!"
The Aussie yelled, "You know, mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looked around frantically and said, "I'm not shearing her with no one!"
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement..
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its bum . '
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement..
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its bum . '
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
It was show and tell time at school, and little Johnny was asked by his teacher to stand up in front of the class and tell them what he did on the weekend.
"Well Miss" he said " We went down to the creek and caught some frogs, then stuck firecrackers up their arses"
"Rectum Johnny" said the shocked teacher.
"Sure did Miss"
"Well Miss" he said " We went down to the creek and caught some frogs, then stuck firecrackers up their arses"
"Rectum Johnny" said the shocked teacher.
"Sure did Miss"
Young stud walks into a bar
Goes straight up to the barman and orders 5 neat double scotches
The barman starts pouring and asks curiously, 'what are you celebrating'?
The stud replies quietly. 'first head job'.
The barman looks at him in a comradely fashion and says ' Congratulations, here have number 6 on the house'
The stud replied, 'if five doesn't get rid of the taste, I doubt the sixth will either' !!
Goes straight up to the barman and orders 5 neat double scotches
The barman starts pouring and asks curiously, 'what are you celebrating'?
The stud replies quietly. 'first head job'.
The barman looks at him in a comradely fashion and says ' Congratulations, here have number 6 on the house'
The stud replied, 'if five doesn't get rid of the taste, I doubt the sixth will either' !!
South African Joke that was sent to me recently. Pretty sure I've heard variations of it before but always gets a laugh.....
Last night, My Bra’s and I went to a Teaser's Night Club. One of the bra's Stanton
Wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a R50 note.
When the female dancer came over to us, my friend licked the R50 note and
Stuck it to her bum cheek!
Not to be outdone, another Bra Kuben pulls out a R100 note. He called the girl
back, licks the R100 note, and sticks it to her other bum cheek’s
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my Bra Naves pulls out a
R200 note and calls the girl over, and licks the R200 note. I'm worried
about the way things are going, but fortunately, he just stuck it to one of
her bum cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the girl races over to me. Now everyone's
attention is focused on me, and the girl is egging me on to try to top the
R200. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The man in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her bum, grabbed the R350
and left!!!
Last night, My Bra’s and I went to a Teaser's Night Club. One of the bra's Stanton
Wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a R50 note.
When the female dancer came over to us, my friend licked the R50 note and
Stuck it to her bum cheek!
Not to be outdone, another Bra Kuben pulls out a R100 note. He called the girl
back, licks the R100 note, and sticks it to her other bum cheek’s
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my Bra Naves pulls out a
R200 note and calls the girl over, and licks the R200 note. I'm worried
about the way things are going, but fortunately, he just stuck it to one of
her bum cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the girl races over to me. Now everyone's
attention is focused on me, and the girl is egging me on to try to top the
R200. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The man in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her bum, grabbed the R350
and left!!!
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears the priest enter the adjoining cubicle:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears the priest enter the adjoining cubicle:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
Police arrested 2 kids yesterday - 1 was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged 1 and let the other off...
In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
