Jokes Thread | PUNT ROAD END | Richmond Tigers Forum
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Jokes Thread

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,851
15
Hobart
After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."
 

jb03

Tiger Legend
Jan 28, 2004
33,856
12,108
Melbourne
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real *smile* tonight, Dave.
 

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,851
15
Hobart
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "A car" and gets a similar answer.

Johnny says " At my house we don't need nothin."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When my sister started going out with a Scotsman, I remember my dad saying "Well that's all we f**king need."
 

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,851
15
Hobart
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes
 

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,851
15
Hobart
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .


The audience went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that,they
thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three girls in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I buck one, and timbuktu.
 

snaps truly

Tiger Champion
Jul 27, 2008
2,851
15
Hobart
Kenny the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard,
first, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service
here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll
need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the
farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen
house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the
hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really
shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure
enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the
lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and
pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive
rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find
Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard,
vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and
says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".
 

Willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
18,257
6,133
Aldinga Beach
Wife standing in front of bedroom mirror complaining she is fat and ugly asks husband to say something nice to cheer her up" he says your eyesight is perfect"
 

Willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
18,257
6,133
Aldinga Beach
Man walks into a chemist & asks "wheres the tampons?"
pharmacist replies "over by the cotton wool"
the guy comes back with cotton wool & toilet roll.
Pharmacist says " I thought you wanted tampons"
the man replies "I asked her to get me a pack of cigs & she got me tobacco & tally ho papers instead. So tonight she can roll her own"
 

Willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
18,257
6,133
Aldinga Beach
Woman bought a stick deodorant. She read the instructions which said "Push up bottom".
She says it makes her walk funny but her farts smell lovely.
 

rokin.tiger

Tiger Champion
Apr 8, 2007
2,685
0
Punt Road
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life,
the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the
French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement
will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A *smile*", replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table.

Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.



DeGaulle leaned over to his wife and said,

"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word 'appiness'…"
 

jb03

Tiger Legend
Jan 28, 2004
33,856
12,108
Melbourne
Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.


"F**k off !!" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind ??"