Remember when I lived in Japan for a while.
They had a manga comic book character called Rape Man.
They had a manga comic book character called Rape Man.
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Ian4
- Start date
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of dumb blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,
"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee"
He's going through his usual run of dumb blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,
"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee"
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There was even an American band called Rape Man that was named after it. Founding member was the late Steve Albini , the famous Grunge/Alternative rock producer who was a fan of the comic. (and that wasn't even close to the sketchiest thing he did.)
So years ago, I was in Coles, and the woman at the register was loading stuff up from her trolley.
Lean cuisine, lean cuisine, lean cuisine, can of tuna, rice for one, cat food, cat food, cat food...then the biggest zucchini I've seen in my life. It was like a longer version of an egg plant. About 9" long, and as thick as a coke bottle.
The guy at the register (back when they had those people) was scanning everything and had a big mischievous grin on his face when he saw it.
"Say, you wouldn't happen to be single lady would you?" He quizzed.
The woman smiled sheepishly as she put down the zucchini. "Um, what makes you think that?" She asked.
"Cause you're *smile* ugly" He replied.
Lean cuisine, lean cuisine, lean cuisine, can of tuna, rice for one, cat food, cat food, cat food...then the biggest zucchini I've seen in my life. It was like a longer version of an egg plant. About 9" long, and as thick as a coke bottle.
The guy at the register (back when they had those people) was scanning everything and had a big mischievous grin on his face when he saw it.
"Say, you wouldn't happen to be single lady would you?" He quizzed.
The woman smiled sheepishly as she put down the zucchini. "Um, what makes you think that?" She asked.
"Cause you're *smile* ugly" He replied.
Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry.Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead.The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry"The three men all nodded."I tell you what, I was about to start eating this camel. I'll share it with you"The three men soon started arguing about who gets what when one of them chimes in with a "Alright guys, how about this? Whatever football team we support dictates what part of the camel we can have."So he goes "Well, I support Liverpool."So he got the liver"I support Hartlepool." said the second man.So he got the heart. The last guy said "I support Arsenal but I'm not hungry."
Jesus and Moses are playing golf when they come to the par-3 with a long carry over water to an island green. Moses tees off with a 3-wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5-iron and says, “I’m going to hit a 5-iron because Jack Nicklaus would hit a 5-iron from here and I made Jack Nicklaus so I can do it to.”
Jesus tees it up and hits his iron shot that finishes 25 yards short of the green and in the water.
Jesus turns to Moses and says, “How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?”
Moses says, “No way. You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Jack Nicklaus fantasy and I’m not going to be a party to it!”
Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in. Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water.
One of them asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Moses turns and says, “No, he thinks he’s *smile*' Jack Nicklaus!”
Jesus tees it up and hits his iron shot that finishes 25 yards short of the green and in the water.
Jesus turns to Moses and says, “How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?”
Moses says, “No way. You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Jack Nicklaus fantasy and I’m not going to be a party to it!”
Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in. Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water.
One of them asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Moses turns and says, “No, he thinks he’s *smile*' Jack Nicklaus!”
At St. Peter's Catholic Church London, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
I his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
I his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Janet, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Janet, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise.
But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two Crunchie bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.
The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.
When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
It's weird being the same age as old people. Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond "CLOSE ENOUGH."
Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.
But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two Crunchie bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.
The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.
When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
It's weird being the same age as old people. Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond "CLOSE ENOUGH."
Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.