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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Ian4
- Start date
A true blue bushie! Always tells the truth and states the obvious!
The Great Australian Drover
Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."
The Great Australian Drover
Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."
Joe is the Innkeeper at a fancy hotel in the lakes district. A honeymoon couple, James and Michelle are checking in and Joe has a little smirk to himself. The groom has done very well for himself - she's a stunner - and Joe isn't expecting to see much of either of them for the duration of their stay.
Needless to say, Joe's quite surprised to see James at the bar within 15 minutes and even more surprised to see him have a hell of a session that lasts till the wee hours of the morning.
About 10:00 the next morning Joe's seeing to a few jobs at reception and James comes wandering down the stairs with a fly rod and a few odds and ends.
"Morning James" - "Morning Joe" and off James goes for a days fishing.
Joe's working the bar that night and sees James wander back in from fishing, head up to his room and 5 minutes later straight back to the bar. James puts in another session - he clearly likes a drink and a party and staggers off to bed around 1:00 am.
The next morning the cycle repeats - James spends the day fishing and the night partying - there's no sign of Michelle.
Another day and the same cycle repeats.
That night at the bar it gets the better of Joe and he has a word to James.
"James, old boy. You're here on your honeymoon"
"Yes, that's right Joe".
"Ok. Well, see, you've been doing a lot of fishing and have been enjoying yourself at the bar every night"
"Yep, it's great fishing here, iv'e caught some beautiful trout and it's an awesome bar - the regulars are a bunch of laughs. Having a wonderful time".
"Yes, well" says Joe. "You see, most honeymoon couples that come up here usually spend a little more time enjoying the comforts of the room, if you know what I mean".
“I here ya mate, but you see the missus has gonorrhea, so that’s off the cards” says James.
“There are other options” says Joe.
“She’s also got hemorrhoids, tonsillitis, arthritis and a hell of a bad temper” says James.
“Right” says Joe “Then why on earth did you marry her?”
“Well” says James, “She’s also got worms and you know I love fishing”
Needless to say, Joe's quite surprised to see James at the bar within 15 minutes and even more surprised to see him have a hell of a session that lasts till the wee hours of the morning.
About 10:00 the next morning Joe's seeing to a few jobs at reception and James comes wandering down the stairs with a fly rod and a few odds and ends.
"Morning James" - "Morning Joe" and off James goes for a days fishing.
Joe's working the bar that night and sees James wander back in from fishing, head up to his room and 5 minutes later straight back to the bar. James puts in another session - he clearly likes a drink and a party and staggers off to bed around 1:00 am.
The next morning the cycle repeats - James spends the day fishing and the night partying - there's no sign of Michelle.
Another day and the same cycle repeats.
That night at the bar it gets the better of Joe and he has a word to James.
"James, old boy. You're here on your honeymoon"
"Yes, that's right Joe".
"Ok. Well, see, you've been doing a lot of fishing and have been enjoying yourself at the bar every night"
"Yep, it's great fishing here, iv'e caught some beautiful trout and it's an awesome bar - the regulars are a bunch of laughs. Having a wonderful time".
"Yes, well" says Joe. "You see, most honeymoon couples that come up here usually spend a little more time enjoying the comforts of the room, if you know what I mean".
“I here ya mate, but you see the missus has gonorrhea, so that’s off the cards” says James.
“There are other options” says Joe.
“She’s also got hemorrhoids, tonsillitis, arthritis and a hell of a bad temper” says James.
“Right” says Joe “Then why on earth did you marry her?”
“Well” says James, “She’s also got worms and you know I love fishing”
A wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At the odd moment she crosses her legs ... just enough times till her husband says,
"Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Yes," she answers, seductively.
"Thank goodness for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At the odd moment she crosses her legs ... just enough times till her husband says,
"Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Yes," she answers, seductively.
"Thank goodness for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"
A couple of Great Whites are swimming off the coast of WA when they spy a group of surfers in the water.
The younger shark is already to go and have a feed when the older shark tells him to hold back.
"We don't just go charging in there and savage them" he says "that is not how we do things. We need to slowly circle them with just the tips of our fins showing".
So they circle them for a few minutes.
Then the older shark says "Now, we need to start circling them with our full fins showing" which they proceed to do.
After a couple more agonising minutes, the older shark yells "Charge" and they begin to gorge themselves.
After they are totally bloated, the younger shark says to the older shark "Why did we go to so much trouble with all the circling prior to eating them?"
To which the older shark replies "because they taste so much better with the poo out of them".
The younger shark is already to go and have a feed when the older shark tells him to hold back.
"We don't just go charging in there and savage them" he says "that is not how we do things. We need to slowly circle them with just the tips of our fins showing".
So they circle them for a few minutes.
Then the older shark says "Now, we need to start circling them with our full fins showing" which they proceed to do.
After a couple more agonising minutes, the older shark yells "Charge" and they begin to gorge themselves.
After they are totally bloated, the younger shark says to the older shark "Why did we go to so much trouble with all the circling prior to eating them?"
To which the older shark replies "because they taste so much better with the poo out of them".
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't! All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't! All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender,
"Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. "Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
"Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. "Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
willo said:
While on the blonde theme, a true story....
A female cousin of mine was constantly teased as a young girl by her older brothers about 15 years ago.
Exasperated, she said to her mother one day "Mum, why do the boys keep calling me the blonde dumb?"
Honestly, a true story. I still chuckle to myself picturing my aunty trying to answer that one with a straight face.
Said cousin was about 6 at the time
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring
my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs
The drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and
Squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring
my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs
The drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and
Squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
