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IMPORTANT // Please look after your loved ones, yourself and be kind to others. If you are feeling that the world is too hard to handle there is always help - I implore you not to hesitate in contacting one of these wonderful organisations Lifeline and Beyond Blue ... and I'm sure reaching out to our PRE community we will find a way to help. T.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Ian4
- Start date
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
...
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah, God!
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
...
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah, God!
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2005
DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2005 HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
GLASGOW REGION
Name..........................................
Nickname......................................
Gangname....................................
1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants
to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection
money. How much must he charge for a gram?
2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if
he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding
will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at
3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie
wishes he'd stayed single?
3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes
when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many
times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?
4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the
clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it
had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?
5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake
got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous
convictions did Fingers have?
EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?
DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2005 HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
GLASGOW REGION
Name..........................................
Nickname......................................
Gangname....................................
1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants
to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection
money. How much must he charge for a gram?
2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if
he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding
will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at
3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie
wishes he'd stayed single?
3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes
when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many
times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?
4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the
clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it
had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?
5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake
got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous
convictions did Fingers have?
EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?
EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION
Name..........................................
Rugby Club..................................
Daddy's Company.........................
1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But
Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before
giving them the tickets?
2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan
McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at
University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad
and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the
truth, so how many friends does Peter have?
3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His
daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?
4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her
whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has
refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?
5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging
for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it
take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?
Name..........................................
Rugby Club..................................
Daddy's Company.........................
1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But
Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before
giving them the tickets?
2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan
McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at
University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad
and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the
truth, so how many friends does Peter have?
3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His
daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?
4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her
whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has
refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?
5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging
for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it
take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?
HIGHLANDS REGION
Name..................................
Glen....................................
Clan ................................
1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With
25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per
acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?
2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in
Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog
him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?
3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to
end, how many people would be surprised?
4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed
27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and
pictures?
Name..................................
Glen....................................
Clan ................................
1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With
25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per
acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?
2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in
Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog
him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?
3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to
end, how many people would be surprised?
4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed
27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and
pictures?
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Store Manager
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Store Manager
a big city doctor visits an indian tribe full of men, he asks "how do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
the next day, the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. one man says "since you're our guest, you get to go first."
the doctor, not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, the proceeds to have sex with the donkey. then a man in the group asks "are you almost done doc? we need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
"simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
the next day, the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. one man says "since you're our guest, you get to go first."
the doctor, not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, the proceeds to have sex with the donkey. then a man in the group asks "are you almost done doc? we need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said to my mate Tigerdave "That's us in 10 years".
He said "That's a mirror ya dopey bastard!"
He said "That's a mirror ya dopey bastard!"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowploughs can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..." then the power went off.
The good wife was very upset and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowploughs can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..." then the power went off.
The good wife was very upset and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
"A little bit of Aussie Humour" a lot of us need to lighten up......Happy Australian Day...
This smartarse looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Carlton draught or XXXX?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Have a great day :beer
This smartarse looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Carlton draught or XXXX?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Have a great day :beer
My neighbour knocked on my door last night at 2:30 a.m.
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any
underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table
and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked,
'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that,
well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house
around 2PM. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200
- they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife:
'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon
.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $200?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and
borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any
underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table
and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked,
'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that,
well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house
around 2PM. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200
- they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife:
'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon
.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $200?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and
borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says,
'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds,
'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says,
‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in,
'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed,
'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the *smile* - and they are interchangeable'
The first surgeon says,
'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds,
'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says,
‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in,
'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed,
'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the *smile* - and they are interchangeable'
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
