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IMPORTANT // Please look after your loved ones, yourself and be kind to others. If you are feeling that the world is too hard to handle there is always help - I implore you not to hesitate in contacting one of these wonderful organisations Lifeline and Beyond Blue ... and I'm sure reaching out to our PRE community we will find a way to help. T.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Ian4
- Start date
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro
and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro
and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Smart Ass, and *smile* for Brains.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no benefit in two people remembering the same thing!
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Smart Ass, and *smile* for Brains.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no benefit in two people remembering the same thing!
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.
He calls home.
'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.
He calls home.
'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.
An oldie, but I still laughed again.
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob .."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob .."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep *smile*."
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob .."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob .."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep *smile*."
Just had to share this one...
A husband takes his wife to a disco one night. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it heaps - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips - the works!
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Her husband simply replied, "Looks like he's still *smile* celebrating!!!"
A husband takes his wife to a disco one night. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it heaps - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips - the works!
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Her husband simply replied, "Looks like he's still *smile* celebrating!!!"
Having spent a fair bit of time living down south in USA I can vouch for how true this is! If you've spent any time in Texas you will likely want to read this behind closed doors because you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting plastered from all the beer.
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. heffer is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really upsets me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting plastered from all the beer.
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. heffer is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really upsets me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Gotta love a bit of fun at Filth's expense:
This week, Collingwood fined Travis Cloke $1000 for repeatedly parking in CEO Gary Pert’s parking spot at the Lexus Centre over the course of a year. Here for the first time are the emails relating to this controversy.
==================
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC:
Subject: Car Park
Hi mate
Not sure if you’re aware but the spot you parked in today was my reserved car park. No big issue, just wanted to let you know.
Thanks
Gary
To: Gary Pert
From: Travis Cloke
CC:
Subject: RE: Car Park
Sorry mate!
Was running late and just chucked the car in the first park I saw. Sorry!
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC:
Subject: RE:re: Car Park
Mate, a week ago you said it was a mistake. Now I find your car in my reserved spot again.
To: Gary Pert
From: Travis Cloke
CC:
Subject: RE:re:re: Car Park
Hi Gary
You sure it was my car?
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC:
Subject: Re:re:re:re Car Park
Yes. I know your car Travis. It’s a bloody Hummer! Not hard to miss! Knock it off.
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC: Nathan Buckley
Subject: !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Travis
Today I arrived for an important meeting only to find you’d taken my park. We’ve spoken about this and you promised to stop.
I’ve been pretty reasonable up until now but this is the last time. I’ve cc’d Nathan in to this email so he is aware of the issue.
I would never have pulled a stunt like this when I was playing footy.
Gary
To: Gary Pert
From: Travis Cloke
CC: Nathan Buckley
Subject: RE: !!!!!!!!!!!!
Gary,
It’s my understanding that there are no reserved spots. I can hardly be held responsible for arriving earlier than you.
Also who’d you play footy for?
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC: Nathan Buckley
Subject: RE:re: !!!!!!!!!!!
Listen mate, You know there are reserved car parks. That why there’s a sign on mine saying Gary Pert CEO.
I played for Collingwood and Fitzroy but that’s beside the point. STOP PARKING IN MY SPOT!!!
To: Gary Pert
From: Nathan Buckley
CC: Travis Cloke
Subject: RE:re:re: !!!!!!!!!!
Guys, I really don’t have time for this.
Travis, stop parking in Gary’s spot.
Gary, consider dialling down the exclamation points. I felt like I was reading One Direction’s fan mail.
Also Gary, what division of amateurs where those teams in?
NB
To: Nathan Buckley
From: Gary Pert
CC: Travis Cloke
Subject: RE:re:re:re: !!!!!!!!!!
Nathan, I played with you at Collingwood. Are you serious? It’s so hard to pick up tone in an email. Actually its hard to pick your tone in person.
Travis, you’ve heard the coach. This ends now.
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC: Nathan Buckley, Nick Maxwell, Scott Pendlebury, Luke Ball, Dayne Beams
Subject: First and final warning
Travis
I’m writing to you to put on the record an official warning for repeatedly parking in my reserved car park.
The leadership group have been copied in as I believe this issue strikes at the very heart of what this club is about.
Another incident will result in formal disciplinary action.
Gary
To: Gary Pert
From: Nick Maxwell
CC: Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Luke Ball, Dayne Beams, Travis Cloke
Subject: RE: First and final warning
Hi Gary
Sorry, just to be clear, if I read your email right, the heart of what the Collingwood Football Club is about, is not parking in other people’s reserved car park spots?
Seems unlikely that this is what the biggest sporting club in Australia would be about. Let’s keep some perspective.
Travis, stop parking in Gary’s spot. He seems pretty upset.
Nick
To: Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Dayne Beams, Travis Cloke, Nick Maxwell
From: Luke Ball
CC: Gary Pert
Subject: RE:re: First and final warning
I would have thought the Collingwood Football Club stood for stealing cars from reserved spots!
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC: Eddie McGuire, Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Dayne Beams, Luke Ball, Nick Maxwell
Subject: Today and its consequences
Travis
Today I came in to work to find your car in my RESERVED car park again. As I’ve explained to you repeatedly, this is a serious issue. It has now been going on for over a year.
Earlier this month I gave you a first and final warning. This latest transgression cannot go unpunished.
I’ve cc’d the Chairman in and he and I have spoken. He expects the leadership to come up with a suitable punishment.
To: Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Dayne Beams, Luke Ball, Nick Maxwell
From: Eddie McGuire
CC: Gary Pert, Travis Cloke
Subject: RE: Today and its consequences
G’day fellas
There seems to be a bit of unnecessary heat around this issue. It’s something I want sorted out.
Gary’s got every right to be annoyed about this. I tell you what, try parking in my car space. It wouldn’t last a bloody year. Dawes did that to me once and I knew it was an honest mistake. Still, enjoy playing at Melbourne buddy!
Anyway, I expect this sorted out fast. Not parking in someone else’s car park is at the heart of what the Collingwood Football Club stands for.
And let’s keep this quiet. If the media get a hold of this we’ll be a bloody laughing stock.
Gary/Travis, patch things up.
Travis, Gary is very important to this club – show some respect.
Gary, Try to cut Travis some slack, it would be hard for you to understand the pressure he’s under given you haven’t played at this level. This isn’t the bloody amateurs!
Not very happy!
Ed
To: Travis Cloke
From: Nick Maxwell
CC: Eddie McGuire, Gary Pert, Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Dayne Beams, Luke Ball
Subject: Sanction
Travis
Not parking in someone else’s reserved car park is at the heart of what Collingwood Football Club stands for. We all know this.
Over the past year you have repeatedly ignored this central tenant.
On behalf of the leadership group, I am writing to inform you that you will be fined the maximum allowed under AFLPA regulations: $1000.
I sincerely hope this brings an end to this serious matter.
Nick
To: Nick Maxwell
From: Travis Cloke
CC: Eddie McGuire, Gary Pert, Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Dayne Beams, Luke Ball
Subject: RE: Sanction
Fine.
Gary, there’s some loose change in the ashtray in my Hummer. There’s at least a thousand bucks in there, probably a bit more than that to be honest.
The keys are in my locker and the car is parked in that spot that has the sign that says, ‘Gary Pert CEO.’
Cheers Nick, fair cop, won’t happen again.
Travis
====================
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This week, Collingwood fined Travis Cloke $1000 for repeatedly parking in CEO Gary Pert’s parking spot at the Lexus Centre over the course of a year. Here for the first time are the emails relating to this controversy.
==================
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC:
Subject: Car Park
Hi mate
Not sure if you’re aware but the spot you parked in today was my reserved car park. No big issue, just wanted to let you know.
Thanks
Gary
To: Gary Pert
From: Travis Cloke
CC:
Subject: RE: Car Park
Sorry mate!
Was running late and just chucked the car in the first park I saw. Sorry!
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC:
Subject: RE:re: Car Park
Mate, a week ago you said it was a mistake. Now I find your car in my reserved spot again.
To: Gary Pert
From: Travis Cloke
CC:
Subject: RE:re:re: Car Park
Hi Gary
You sure it was my car?
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC:
Subject: Re:re:re:re Car Park
Yes. I know your car Travis. It’s a bloody Hummer! Not hard to miss! Knock it off.
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC: Nathan Buckley
Subject: !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Travis
Today I arrived for an important meeting only to find you’d taken my park. We’ve spoken about this and you promised to stop.
I’ve been pretty reasonable up until now but this is the last time. I’ve cc’d Nathan in to this email so he is aware of the issue.
I would never have pulled a stunt like this when I was playing footy.
Gary
To: Gary Pert
From: Travis Cloke
CC: Nathan Buckley
Subject: RE: !!!!!!!!!!!!
Gary,
It’s my understanding that there are no reserved spots. I can hardly be held responsible for arriving earlier than you.
Also who’d you play footy for?
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC: Nathan Buckley
Subject: RE:re: !!!!!!!!!!!
Listen mate, You know there are reserved car parks. That why there’s a sign on mine saying Gary Pert CEO.
I played for Collingwood and Fitzroy but that’s beside the point. STOP PARKING IN MY SPOT!!!
To: Gary Pert
From: Nathan Buckley
CC: Travis Cloke
Subject: RE:re:re: !!!!!!!!!!
Guys, I really don’t have time for this.
Travis, stop parking in Gary’s spot.
Gary, consider dialling down the exclamation points. I felt like I was reading One Direction’s fan mail.
Also Gary, what division of amateurs where those teams in?
NB
To: Nathan Buckley
From: Gary Pert
CC: Travis Cloke
Subject: RE:re:re:re: !!!!!!!!!!
Nathan, I played with you at Collingwood. Are you serious? It’s so hard to pick up tone in an email. Actually its hard to pick your tone in person.
Travis, you’ve heard the coach. This ends now.
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC: Nathan Buckley, Nick Maxwell, Scott Pendlebury, Luke Ball, Dayne Beams
Subject: First and final warning
Travis
I’m writing to you to put on the record an official warning for repeatedly parking in my reserved car park.
The leadership group have been copied in as I believe this issue strikes at the very heart of what this club is about.
Another incident will result in formal disciplinary action.
Gary
To: Gary Pert
From: Nick Maxwell
CC: Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Luke Ball, Dayne Beams, Travis Cloke
Subject: RE: First and final warning
Hi Gary
Sorry, just to be clear, if I read your email right, the heart of what the Collingwood Football Club is about, is not parking in other people’s reserved car park spots?
Seems unlikely that this is what the biggest sporting club in Australia would be about. Let’s keep some perspective.
Travis, stop parking in Gary’s spot. He seems pretty upset.
Nick
To: Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Dayne Beams, Travis Cloke, Nick Maxwell
From: Luke Ball
CC: Gary Pert
Subject: RE:re: First and final warning
I would have thought the Collingwood Football Club stood for stealing cars from reserved spots!
To: Travis Cloke
From: Gary Pert
CC: Eddie McGuire, Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Dayne Beams, Luke Ball, Nick Maxwell
Subject: Today and its consequences
Travis
Today I came in to work to find your car in my RESERVED car park again. As I’ve explained to you repeatedly, this is a serious issue. It has now been going on for over a year.
Earlier this month I gave you a first and final warning. This latest transgression cannot go unpunished.
I’ve cc’d the Chairman in and he and I have spoken. He expects the leadership to come up with a suitable punishment.
To: Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Dayne Beams, Luke Ball, Nick Maxwell
From: Eddie McGuire
CC: Gary Pert, Travis Cloke
Subject: RE: Today and its consequences
G’day fellas
There seems to be a bit of unnecessary heat around this issue. It’s something I want sorted out.
Gary’s got every right to be annoyed about this. I tell you what, try parking in my car space. It wouldn’t last a bloody year. Dawes did that to me once and I knew it was an honest mistake. Still, enjoy playing at Melbourne buddy!
Anyway, I expect this sorted out fast. Not parking in someone else’s car park is at the heart of what the Collingwood Football Club stands for.
And let’s keep this quiet. If the media get a hold of this we’ll be a bloody laughing stock.
Gary/Travis, patch things up.
Travis, Gary is very important to this club – show some respect.
Gary, Try to cut Travis some slack, it would be hard for you to understand the pressure he’s under given you haven’t played at this level. This isn’t the bloody amateurs!
Not very happy!
Ed
To: Travis Cloke
From: Nick Maxwell
CC: Eddie McGuire, Gary Pert, Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Dayne Beams, Luke Ball
Subject: Sanction
Travis
Not parking in someone else’s reserved car park is at the heart of what Collingwood Football Club stands for. We all know this.
Over the past year you have repeatedly ignored this central tenant.
On behalf of the leadership group, I am writing to inform you that you will be fined the maximum allowed under AFLPA regulations: $1000.
I sincerely hope this brings an end to this serious matter.
Nick
To: Nick Maxwell
From: Travis Cloke
CC: Eddie McGuire, Gary Pert, Nathan Buckley, Scott Pendlebury, Dayne Beams, Luke Ball
Subject: RE: Sanction
Fine.
Gary, there’s some loose change in the ashtray in my Hummer. There’s at least a thousand bucks in there, probably a bit more than that to be honest.
The keys are in my locker and the car is parked in that spot that has the sign that says, ‘Gary Pert CEO.’
Cheers Nick, fair cop, won’t happen again.
Travis
====================
More articles from Titus O’Reily
Titus is also on Twitter which he incorrectly thinks is part of ‘the Socialist media’. Follow him to be mildly amused every so often.
The Flack also has a weekly ‘electronic mail’ which is sent through the ‘Information Superhighway’ and is a constant source of delight, so please subscribe
An Irish painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request,
Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 Euros.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife,
Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in da nude alright. But I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request,
Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 Euros.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife,
Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in da nude alright. But I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."
My sister was told this by an older Jewish gentleman, so it's Kosher.
A Catholic priest and a rabbi were enjoying their weekly cuppa at a kerbside cafe. As they sit there a young boy bends over in front of them to tie his shoelace.
Priest (sotto): Wouldn't you like to screw that!
Rabbi: Out of what?
A Catholic priest and a rabbi were enjoying their weekly cuppa at a kerbside cafe. As they sit there a young boy bends over in front of them to tie his shoelace.
Priest (sotto): Wouldn't you like to screw that!
Rabbi: Out of what?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
Subject: Ethel
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Richard stepped out with his arm outstretched.. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Mick popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Mick nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Ted stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his *smile* in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Richard stepped out with his arm outstretched.. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Mick popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Mick nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Ted stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his *smile* in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
A Man/Woman Conversation!
Lady: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Lady: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5 with a tip
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 20 years, I suppose
Lady: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
Lady: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Lady: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5 with a tip
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 20 years, I suppose
Lady: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
Amish elevator
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls close
and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls close
and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
