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IMPORTANT // Please look after your loved ones, yourself and be kind to others. If you are feeling that the world is too hard to handle there is always help - I implore you not to hesitate in contacting one of these wonderful organisations Lifeline and Beyond Blue ... and I'm sure reaching out to our PRE community we will find a way to help. T.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Ian4
- Start date
Three sheilas were having a girl's night out and talked about their blokes. The single sheila said, "Last Friday at the end of the workday I went to my bloke's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that he rooted me on his desk right then and there!
The engaged sheila giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my bloke got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stilettos. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married sheila put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
The engaged sheila giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my bloke got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stilettos. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married sheila put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard.."
Only the Brits can do it this well.
I called a psychic and made an appointment to see her at her home
I rang the doorbell and she came to the front door and whilst it was still shut said
“Who is it?”
I left
I rang the doorbell and she came to the front door and whilst it was still shut said
“Who is it?”
I left
THE LONE RANGER
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of our celebration of the Spirits of the Forest, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, listen very carefully d!ckhead.. for....the....last....time I said.....
"BRING POSSE"
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of our celebration of the Spirits of the Forest, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, listen very carefully d!ckhead.. for....the....last....time I said.....
"BRING POSSE"
Day late in posting
YOU KNOW YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN IF:
* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.
* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
* You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'
* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
* Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course.
* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And "Living next door to Alice".
* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.
* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.
* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
* When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.
* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.
* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like sh*t. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.
* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
* You understand what no wucking furries means.
* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
* You have a thong tan...not on your butt! *
YOU KNOW YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN IF:
* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.
* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
* You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'
* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
* Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course.
* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And "Living next door to Alice".
* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.
* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.
* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
* When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.
* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.
* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like sh*t. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.
* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
* You understand what no wucking furries means.
* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
* You have a thong tan...not on your butt! *
Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde:
She proceeds to knock everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm.
She also hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
They corner him and ask. "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies. "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says. "I lied about my age."
His friends respond. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says. "No, I told her I was 90."
She proceeds to knock everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm.
She also hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
They corner him and ask. "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies. "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says. "I lied about my age."
His friends respond. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says. "No, I told her I was 90."
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together....
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two arseholes.'
'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two arseholes...'
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together....
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two arseholes.'
'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two arseholes...'
A study conducted by Sydney University 's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his arse while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his arse while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. The Social workers raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produce photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The Social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills".
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in Pediatric care, Welfare and Diet".
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
They said “It doesn't really matter as long as they can fit in the cannon".
The Social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills".
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in Pediatric care, Welfare and Diet".
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
They said “It doesn't really matter as long as they can fit in the cannon".
My boss died suddenly and part of the funeral service was people filing past the coffin and paying their respects.
I said “now who is thinking outside the box *smile*?”
I said “now who is thinking outside the box *smile*?”
