Jokes Thread

[tigerman]

 

[tigerman]

The husband was a bit embarrassed, and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection With his wife, and that she was getting frustrated. The doc checked the man's blood pressure, and other vitals, then after a thorough examination Said he wanted to check with the wife. He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he asked her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, Touch her toes and cough. Finally he said, "OK, good. You can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband." The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax Theres nothing wrong with you: I couldnt get an erection either"

 

[tigerman]

DIVORCE SETTLEMENT On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth .... But only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...???

 

[tigerman]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

 

[tigerman]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.
Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gig
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

 

[tigerman]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours?.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's appendage. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my appendage in the right place, it can give Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get out of here!'

 

[tigerman]

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, “We'll have to do some blood tests”.
A day later the doctor rings him with the results.
“Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus”. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth”..
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, his wife asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
“Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, aline, the full-house and the national game on the same card, You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!”


“Lucky?” he screamed. “Lucky? Do you know I've got Yellow 24”.
“Bugga me,” says the bingo caller. “You've won the meat raffle as well !!!”

 

[tigerman]

A bloke is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him. Because she's wearing a uniform, he quickly concludes that she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

The man then decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: “ To Fly. To Serve. "

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: “ Winning the hearts of the world."

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysia Airlines motto:” Going beyond expectations"

The woman looks at him sternly and says, "What the f**k do you want?"

"Aha," he says, "Qantas!!"

 

[tigerman]

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..


[ Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it.. !! ]

 

[tigerman]

Maggie, a blonde kiwi girl, marries an australian sheep farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the stock, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our ewes today. I drove a nail into the rail above her stall in the barn. You show him where the sheep is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of ewes and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the one to be bred?' That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turn walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ........ 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

 

[tigerman]

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said
You must answer three questions on the Bible
1st - Who was born in a stable?
Black Caviar he replied
2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?
It kills 99% of all germs he replied.
3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?
He said.....Popeye kicked the *smile* out of them.

 

[bigwow]

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

[tigerman]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.

You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. At golf he was as good as any of the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his f*&#ing wife."

 

[tigerman]

A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says "Hello!".
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my friends watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[tigerman]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up....

 

[tigerman]

Old Timers & Sex This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy! The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence​

 

[tigerman]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers
went on a field trip to the Flemington races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls
would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher looking after the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their
willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said, "You must be in year four".

"No, love" he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

 

[tigerman]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. ' Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

 

[tigerman]

A Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

 

[tigerman]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of it and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The next day the doctor goes fishing and returns the day after. He asks his assistant: "So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this Murphy. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."