Jokes Thread

[tigerman]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my
boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[Willo]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my
boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Bloody ripper

 

[bigwow]

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it.
While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.
The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.
When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

 

[TigerForce]

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it.
While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.
The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.
When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

I'll assume the ice cream was a vanilla.....

 

[bigwow]

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’d never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it’s only twenty bucks.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”

 

[Quickdraw]

Two Irish navvies sitting having their lunch break.
Murphy says, what's that silver thing you get there Patrick?
Patrick says, its my Termos?
What's a Termos asks Murphy?
It's a thing for keeping hot things hot and cold things cold replies Patrick.
Be jesus says Murphy what you got in it?
Two cups of coffee and an ice cream replies Patrick.

 

[Quickdraw]

With Halloween coming up I decided to go to my local fancy dress shop to see if I could get a Dracula costume. After a few minutes the assistant handed me a Collingwood jumper.

"I think you have misheard me," I said. "I wanted to look like a count."

 

[Quickdraw]

Mick from Dublin appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.

"You've done really well so far" said the show's host, "but for one million dollars, you've only got one life line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure" said Mick. "'ll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?"

- Sparrow

- Thrush

- Magpie

- Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue" said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline to phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the questioned.

"Ah, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple. It's the cuckoo."

"Are you sure Paddy?" said Mick.

"Of course I am."

Mick hung up the phone and told the host.. "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Dat it is" said Mick

There was a long long pause and then the presented screamed "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick you've won $1 million".

The next night Mick invited Paddy to the local pub for a drink to celebrate.

"Tell me Paddy, how did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build his own nest?" asked Mick.

"Easy" says Paddy. "Everyone knows he lives in a clock!"

 

[tigerman]

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.​

The old man smiled and began: "One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"

The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.

The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"

The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"

The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains....

 

[Quickdraw]

Two fellas in a locker room were taking a shower after their game of footy, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum!

If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

'I can't, lamented the first fella. 'It is permanently stuck in my bum.' 'I don't understand,' said the other, 'how on earth?' The first fella says, 'I was walking along Russell Street, and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and an Akubra hat appeared. He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie, I can grant you one wish.' I said, 'No sh!t?'

 

[Quickdraw]

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began: "One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"

The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.

The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"

The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"

The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains....

 

[tigerman]

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so
you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

 

[tigerman]

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers,
picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!

 

[Quickdraw]

Well, I'm at the emergency room. This morning was not a good start.

I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many years, and which my friend warned me was a bad idea, but what does she know. I should have listened! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then I was like, yeah, I remember how to do this. Before I knew it, we were in a flat run!

I don't recall the speed of a horse to be that fast!

I couldn't take the pace and fell off but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop. I was yelling for my life!!! I thought that this was it and started to come to terms with this being my last memory.

Thank goodness the manager at the shopping centre came out and unplugged the machine.

But he had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant next ...

 

[Quickdraw]

‘Come in Number 99, your time is up’

‘We don’t have a 99!’

‘Number 66, are you in difficulties?’

 

[bigwow]

Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "*smile* Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.

Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.

The letter said,

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like *smile* Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

*smile* Van Dyke

 

[Sintiger]

I was walking home last night and I was attacked by the 6 dwarfs ...................not Happy!

 

[bigwow]

I rear-ended a car this morning... The start of a really bad day.

The driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
I replied, "well which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

 

[tigerman]

I said to the missus that when I die, I want it to be while having sex.......she said, at least it will be quick

 

[Sintiger]

I couldn’t remember when my wife’s birthday was so I asked her.
She said “March 1st”
So I walked around the room and asked her again