Jokes Thread | PUNT ROAD END | Richmond Tigers Forum
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Jokes Thread

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."
 
Q. What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your underpants ?








A. Your Grandma
 
Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag.
She reaches her hand in it and says "it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf".
Little Johnny raises his hand and says "it's an apple, it's an apple".
Then he says "now let me give you one".
He reaches his hand in his pocket and says "it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head".
The teacher says "Ohh Johnny that's gross".
Little Johnny says "no it's a coin but I like the way you're thinking".
 
Only a Farm Kid...



When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.


A farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked
at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door


"Is your Dad or your Mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."


The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other,and mumbling to himself.


"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give
Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your
Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...


"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the
bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for
Howard."
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.
... ... One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came and no hired hand

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed..

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to
the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
 
What is the difference between wearing a Collingwood jumper and putting your hand in the trouser pocket of a black male porn star?

You'll feel a bigger prick in the Collingwood jumper.
 
Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
 
A mate emailed this over -

A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins'
 
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
...
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure ...enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is
ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
 
"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
... ...
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

Or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
 
At a wine merchant's the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
... ...
They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.. Requires three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
 
IRISH BALLERINA....

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit.
... ...
She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

“What man here will buy this lass a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand
down on the counter and bellowed, “Pour the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,

revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

“What man here will buy this lass ANOTHER drink?”

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,

“Give the ballerina another drink!”

The bartender approached the drunk and said,

“Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink,

but why do you keep calling her a ‘ballerina’?”

The drunk replied…

“Any woman who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina!!”
 
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