Jokes Thread

[snaps truly]

Alternative Citizenship Test

LANGUAGE

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?

2. What is a mole?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a *smile*; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

CUSTOMS
1. Macca, Chooka and Banger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

2. Complete the following sentences: a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ...
b) You're going home in the back of a ...
c) Fair suck of the ...

3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

4. Have you ever been on the giving or the receiving end of a wedgie

You have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FOOD
1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?

5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?

6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

CULTURE
1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

3. Who would you like to crack on to?

4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

5. Is there someone you are only mates with because
they own a trailer or have a pool?

6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

 

[jb03]

A guy asks a girl if she would shag him for a million bucks and she says "yes"

He then he asks if she would do it for a tenner and she says "no way, what do you think i am"

He says "we've already established what you are ... now we're just negotiating a price"

 

[Willo]

Warning this may be RUDE to some, apologies. Some will appreciate the true facts and look forward to it.



"Ya know, when I was 20 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.

By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.
...
I'm gonna be 70 next week, and I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, what's your point?"








"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!?"


Imagine what Tommy Hafey could do at 80

 

[Willo]

My neighbour Knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30 am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

[jb03]

My neighbour Knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30 am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Heh heh. ;D

A man answered the phone in the middle of the night and was heard by his wife to say "What am I, the ***ing weather man?"

"Who was that?" asked the wife.

"Some idiot that wanted to know if the coast is clear."

 

[Willo]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:

‘What is 3 times 3?’

Harry:

’9.’

Principal:

‘What is 6 times 6?’

Harry:

’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions.’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’

Harry: ‘Pants.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’

Harry: ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong

 

[Willo]

So it's been snowing for days and these two blokes are talking to each over their shared fence.

One bloke says to the other "You know your son came home drunk the other night and pissed his name in the snow on my front lawn".

The other bloke laughs and says "well you know boys will be boys"

and the first bloke replies " well normally I wouldn't care but it was in my daughter's handwriting"

 

[jb03]

;D

 

[Rosy]

One from below the ground rather than below the belt.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

 

[Harry]

Q. Why is a dog better than a woman?

A. A dog will still play with you when you are drunk.

A. A dog will smile at you when you let it our of the boot.

 

[Willo]

One from below the ground rather than below the belt.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

Shocker :hihi

 

[rokin.tiger]

One of my fave jokes ever.... possibly the truest...




One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car,
Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

 

[jb03]

A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for the fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said "Here put your hands between my thighs to warm them".

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him "Put your hands between my thighs to warm them". So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

[snaps truly]

Julia Gillard called Joe Ludwig into her office the other day and said, “Joey I
have a fantastic idea!

We are going to go all out to win back the grumpy country voters.”
“Good idea Prime Minister, how will we go about it?” said Joe.


“Well,” said Gillard, “we’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,

some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog.
Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a typical old outback country
pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.”" Right ,”said Joe.


Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue Heeler, they set off
from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at
just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.Walked
in with the dog and up to the bar.”G,day mate,” said Gillard, to the bartender,
“two middies of your best beer.”

“Good afternoon Prime Minister,” said the bartender, “two middies of our best coming up”.

Gillard and Ludwig stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting,
nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink.

The dog lay quietly at their feet.All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar
opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He
walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to
the dog and, lifted it’s tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and
went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another
four or five stockmen came in and, lifted the dogs tail and went away
looking puzzled.

Eventually, Gillard and Ludwig could stand it no longer and called the Barman
over.”Tell me,” said Gillard, “why did all those old stockmen come in and look
under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?”



“Strewth no!”said the barman. “It’s just that someone went ‘n told ‘em there

was a cattle dog in this bar with two *arsmile*s!”

 

[Streak]

One of my fave jokes ever.... possibly the truest...




One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car,
Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

:hihi

Not bad Rokin

 

[TigerMad]

A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was 'freakin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

 

[FitenFitenWin]

Big kerfuffle in Frankston the other day. One bloke drank battery acid and the other ate a fire cracker. Police arrived - charged one but let the other one off.

 

[MB78]

A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard b!tching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was 'freakin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

:rofl

 

[TigerMad]

To Be 8 again!



A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was

looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.



'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..



On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and

then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming

Roller Coaster, everything there was.



Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and

a chocolate shake.



Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!



Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.



He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it

like being eight again?



Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.



'I meant my dress size, you *smile* idiot!!!!'



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong

 

[Ian4]

Very funny tm