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IMPORTANT // Please look after your loved ones, yourself and be kind to others. If you are feeling that the world is too hard to handle there is always help - I implore you not to hesitate in contacting one of these wonderful organisations Lifeline and Beyond Blue ... and I'm sure reaching out to our PRE community we will find a way to help. T.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Ian4
- Start date
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again..
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again..
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people
One liners (boom boom)
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador” ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I woke up last night to find a ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.”
Two Turks have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?", "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador” ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I woke up last night to find a ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.”
Two Turks have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?", "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
So a frog hops in to his local bank and flops onto the counter. When the teller asks him his name the frog replys "Kermit Jagger ". Kermit notices his name badge "Patrick Whack" and he says "the thing is Paddy I'm tired of all the hopping and swimming and I want a speed boat and I need borrow for it".
Paddy says "speed boats are expensive, a loan that size would require some collateral"
Kermit fidgets around inside his waistcoat and produces a tiny but beautifully hand painted fine bone china elephant and leans in and hands it to Paddy and says brimming with confidence "You go in and see you manager and show him that and come back and tell me what he says".
Poor Paddy dazed and confused wanders off to his managers office and blurts out his story. "I have a frog at my desk calling hismself Kermit Jagger who wants us to help him buy a speed boat and then he hands me this! What is this meant to be?!
Without missing a beat his manager replies "Its a nick-nack Paddy Whack. Give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
Paddy says "speed boats are expensive, a loan that size would require some collateral"
Kermit fidgets around inside his waistcoat and produces a tiny but beautifully hand painted fine bone china elephant and leans in and hands it to Paddy and says brimming with confidence "You go in and see you manager and show him that and come back and tell me what he says".
Poor Paddy dazed and confused wanders off to his managers office and blurts out his story. "I have a frog at my desk calling hismself Kermit Jagger who wants us to help him buy a speed boat and then he hands me this! What is this meant to be?!
Without missing a beat his manager replies "Its a nick-nack Paddy Whack. Give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
Julia's asleep in the Lodge and wakes to see Bob Menzies by her bed.
"Tell me Bob what can I do to help my country?"
"Sell Japan iron ore", he tells her.
Later she wakes to see John Howard by her bed.
"Tell me John what can I do for my country".
"Try some integrity and honesty", he tells her.
Finally she awakes to see Harold Holt and she asks,
"What can I do for my country?"
Holt says, "Go for a swim"
"Tell me Bob what can I do to help my country?"
"Sell Japan iron ore", he tells her.
Later she wakes to see John Howard by her bed.
"Tell me John what can I do for my country".
"Try some integrity and honesty", he tells her.
Finally she awakes to see Harold Holt and she asks,
"What can I do for my country?"
Holt says, "Go for a swim"
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a littleLeprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer'sball
beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a littleLeprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer'sball
beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and our eyes water."
The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out “G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow”.
"That's no better either, Hamish.
Now, how about you, Paddy?"
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out, "London ".
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said,
...."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and our eyes water."
The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out “G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow”.
"That's no better either, Hamish.
Now, how about you, Paddy?"
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out, "London ".
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said,
...."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
