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IMPORTANT // Please look after your loved ones, yourself and be kind to others. If you are feeling that the world is too hard to handle there is always help - I implore you not to hesitate in contacting one of these wonderful organisations Lifeline and Beyond Blue ... and I'm sure reaching out to our PRE community we will find a way to help. T.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Ian4
- Start date
A hungry and penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices
wee Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do? Wee Jock
slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, aye, ye can gae right aheid. The young bloke reaches over and starts spooning it down with sheer delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
Wee Jock said to him, aye that's as far as I got too.
A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex.
Bubba replied, no it ain't, Billy Ray, It ain't rigged, our sister Billy-Joe won twice last week.
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex.
Bubba replied, no it ain't, Billy Ray, It ain't rigged, our sister Billy-Joe won twice last week.
I was on my way home the other day when the missus rang and said that our young bloke was upset because he'd been sacked from his job at the fish and chip shop.
I was not far away from there so called in to find out the reason why. The owner said he sacked him because he found him with a potato peeler up his arse. I was shocked and said can I see the potato peeler, he said no, I sacked him well.
I was not far away from there so called in to find out the reason why. The owner said he sacked him because he found him with a potato peeler up his arse. I was shocked and said can I see the potato peeler, he said no, I sacked him well.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and
quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both
ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the
number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the stop bell, and
then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step and barks
repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!)
against the door.
He does this again and again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a
window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?
This dog's a genius!”
The owner said.....genius, my arse! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and
quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both
ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the
number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the stop bell, and
then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step and barks
repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!)
against the door.
He does this again and again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a
window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?
This dog's a genius!”
The owner said.....genius, my arse! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!
An engineer walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the only qualified person
as her chemist husband had died so she and her widowed sister now owned the shop.
There were no males employed there but she then asked whether she could help the gentleman.
The engineer said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male chemist.
She assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The engineer agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The chemist said, Just a minute, I ' ll go talk to my sister.
When she returned, she said, We've discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the shop,
a company car, and $1,500 a month plus living expenses.
The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the only qualified person
as her chemist husband had died so she and her widowed sister now owned the shop.
There were no males employed there but she then asked whether she could help the gentleman.
The engineer said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male chemist.
She assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The engineer agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The chemist said, Just a minute, I ' ll go talk to my sister.
When she returned, she said, We've discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the shop,
a company car, and $1,500 a month plus living expenses.
a married couple go to a hotel and the only room available has 2 single beds at the opposite ends of the room
as the wife heads to her bed, she trips over a rug in the middle of the room and hurts her ankle
the husband jumps out of his bed tending to her foot, kisses it better, gives her a massages and they have sex
the wife goes back to her bed and trips on the rug again
the husband turns over and yells 'why don't you look where you're going you clumsy *smile*'
as the wife heads to her bed, she trips over a rug in the middle of the room and hurts her ankle
the husband jumps out of his bed tending to her foot, kisses it better, gives her a massages and they have sex
the wife goes back to her bed and trips on the rug again
the husband turns over and yells 'why don't you look where you're going you clumsy *smile*'
THE FIFTH PARROT
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch …..
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Roddy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Roddy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali.
Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Syd, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorwak area and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Bones. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Bones can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect *smile*.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Syd are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch …..
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Roddy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Roddy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali.
Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Syd, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorwak area and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Bones. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Bones can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect *smile*.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Syd are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland ..It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice."Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this, before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned, that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..
"You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife's from Scotland "
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice."Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this, before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned, that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..
"You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife's from Scotland "
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner Paddy appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Irish Setter sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Setter replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Setter looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the Secret Service..
In no time at all they had me travelling from country to country, sitting in rooms with MPs and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the travelling around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Dublin Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten Euros," Billy says.
"Ten Euros! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a liar... he's never been out of the garden...........................
He rings the bell, the owner Paddy appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Irish Setter sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Setter replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Setter looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the Secret Service..
In no time at all they had me travelling from country to country, sitting in rooms with MPs and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the travelling around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Dublin Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten Euros," Billy says.
"Ten Euros! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a liar... he's never been out of the garden...........................
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest nearly fell
down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am
so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back,
I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church
every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during
Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I
was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN'T STEAL
McGLYNN'S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat
after all."
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile &
said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided
you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked
about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I
.................. left me hat."
down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am
so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back,
I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church
every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during
Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I
was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN'T STEAL
McGLYNN'S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat
after all."
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile &
said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided
you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked
about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I
.................. left me hat."
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Trump
strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they
change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands
of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering
fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both
passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The fart shakes the coach, but, the two Heads of State do their best to ignore
the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says:
"Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, being the buffoon that he is, responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they
change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands
of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering
fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both
passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The fart shakes the coach, but, the two Heads of State do their best to ignore
the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says:
"Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, being the buffoon that he is, responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."