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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Ian4
- Start date
I was talking to a bloke in the pub on Saturday, he said he was married and showed me a photo of her, saying isn't she beautiful.
I said to him if you think she's beautiful you should see my missus. He said she a stunner is she....... I said no, she an optician.
I said to him if you think she's beautiful you should see my missus. He said she a stunner is she....... I said no, she an optician.
A hungry and penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices
wee Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do? Wee Jock
slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, aye, ye can gae right aheid. The young bloke reaches over and starts spooning it down with sheer delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
Wee Jock said to him, aye that's as far as I got too.
A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex.
Bubba replied, no it ain't, Billy Ray, It ain't rigged, our sister Billy-Joe won twice last week.
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex.
Bubba replied, no it ain't, Billy Ray, It ain't rigged, our sister Billy-Joe won twice last week.
I was on my way home the other day when the missus rang and said that our young bloke was upset because he'd been sacked from his job at the fish and chip shop.
I was not far away from there so called in to find out the reason why. The owner said he sacked him because he found him with a potato peeler up his arse. I was shocked and said can I see the potato peeler, he said no, I sacked him well.
I was not far away from there so called in to find out the reason why. The owner said he sacked him because he found him with a potato peeler up his arse. I was shocked and said can I see the potato peeler, he said no, I sacked him well.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and
quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both
ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the
number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the stop bell, and
then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step and barks
repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!)
against the door.
He does this again and again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a
window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?
This dog's a genius!”
The owner said.....genius, my arse! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and
quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both
ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the
number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the stop bell, and
then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step and barks
repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!)
against the door.
He does this again and again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a
window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?
This dog's a genius!”
The owner said.....genius, my arse! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!
An engineer walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the only qualified person
as her chemist husband had died so she and her widowed sister now owned the shop.
There were no males employed there but she then asked whether she could help the gentleman.
The engineer said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male chemist.
She assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The engineer agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The chemist said, Just a minute, I ' ll go talk to my sister.
When she returned, she said, We've discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the shop,
a company car, and $1,500 a month plus living expenses.
The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the only qualified person
as her chemist husband had died so she and her widowed sister now owned the shop.
There were no males employed there but she then asked whether she could help the gentleman.
The engineer said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male chemist.
She assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The engineer agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The chemist said, Just a minute, I ' ll go talk to my sister.
When she returned, she said, We've discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the shop,
a company car, and $1,500 a month plus living expenses.
a married couple go to a hotel and the only room available has 2 single beds at the opposite ends of the room
as the wife heads to her bed, she trips over a rug in the middle of the room and hurts her ankle
the husband jumps out of his bed tending to her foot, kisses it better, gives her a massages and they have sex
the wife goes back to her bed and trips on the rug again
the husband turns over and yells 'why don't you look where you're going you clumsy *smile*'
as the wife heads to her bed, she trips over a rug in the middle of the room and hurts her ankle
the husband jumps out of his bed tending to her foot, kisses it better, gives her a massages and they have sex
the wife goes back to her bed and trips on the rug again
the husband turns over and yells 'why don't you look where you're going you clumsy *smile*'
