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Jokes Thread

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,908
217
Broken Hill
One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
 

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,908
217
Broken Hill
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
 

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,908
217
Broken Hill
A big city lawyer went duck hu...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
 

craig

Tiger Legend
Aug 19, 2004
27,952
3,678
Melbourne
willo said:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
:hihi
 

craig

Tiger Legend
Aug 19, 2004
27,952
3,678
Melbourne
willo said:
One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
:hihi
 

GEDS1

Richo's last lap
Apr 15, 2007
3,826
0
Q. Why do farts smell ?
A. So people with hearing difficulties can enjoy them too.
 

LeeToRainesToRoach

Tiger Legend
Jun 4, 2006
26,459
3,158
Melbourne
In 2007 a Carlton mate send me a wooden spoon accompanied by a mock letter from the club celebrating our achievement. This year the gesture was returned with a blown-up & laminated version of the below.

 

TigerForce

Richmond has a better list.
Apr 26, 2004
50,065
1,909
LeeToRainesToRoach said:
In 2007 a Carlton mate send me a wooden spoon accompanied by a mock letter from the club celebrating our achievement. This year the gesture was returned with a blown-up & laminated version of the below.

Good one LTRTR. :hihi

I never understood 'what' their mascot ever was......what noun is a blue?
 

tigerman

Nank should grow a mullet.
Mar 17, 2003
11,504
2,300
Thinking with whats going on around the world, I thought it might be a good time to kickstart this thread again.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician...............he worked it out with a pencil.
 
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  • Haha
Reactions: 1 user

shad

Tiger Superstar
Apr 6, 2010
1,670
165
Why did the gay chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the referee was blowing fouls.
 
  • Haha
  • Wow
Reactions: 1 users

tigerman

Nank should grow a mullet.
Mar 17, 2003
11,504
2,300
Came in from outside, the missus had the pet goldfish in a freezer bag, and said we need to take it to the vet, because I thinks got epilepsy.
I said it looks ok to me, it's swimming around like it normally does, she said yeah, you wait till I take it out of the bag.
 
  • Haha
Reactions: 2 users

Streak

Tiger Legend
Aug 31, 2007
34,328
467
Western Australia
From my Year 3 daughter (and 8 consecutive year Tiger member)


Why was the toilet roll sad?

Because everyone kept ripping him off!
 
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Reactions: 1 user

tigerman

Nank should grow a mullet.
Mar 17, 2003
11,504
2,300
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I earn.

Then they call me poor and ugly.
 

tigerman

Nank should grow a mullet.
Mar 17, 2003
11,504
2,300
It would be much easier to forgive, if we were able to realise that some people are born idiots.
 

tigerman

Nank should grow a mullet.
Mar 17, 2003
11,504
2,300
What’s the differenc between a magicians wand and a policeman’s baton?
One’s .for cunning stunts and the other’s for stunning *****.