Jokes Thread | PUNT ROAD END | Richmond Tigers Forum
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Jokes Thread

Quickdraw

End of the drought
Jun 8, 2013
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A man and woman are having dinner in a restaurant.
A waitress who is serving at the next table, notices the man slowly sliding down the chair, until he disappears under the table, whilst the woman appears completely unconcerned, and appears not to have noticed!
The waitress, concerned, went over and discreetly whispered to the woman, "Pardon me ma'am, but I think your husband has just slid under the table!"
She replied, "No actually, he's just walked in the front door of the restaurant :cool:


So this man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay cheque. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. :cool:


A man owned a small farm in Australia, The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the rep.
“Well,” replied the farmer, “There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday.”
“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.”
“Then there's the half-wit.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
“That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit,” says the agent.
“That would be me,” replied the farmer. :cool:
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter & bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar & said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"
As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.
 
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Midsy

I am the one who knocks.
Jan 18, 2014
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Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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Three women have just entered heaven and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there.

He says to the women, "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers "I have only had sex with one man, my husband. And our first time was on our wedding night."

St. Peter turns to the angel and says "Ah, a woman who has lived as God intended, and certainly deserving of reward. Give her a key to the golden room."

The second woman says, "I have never known a man's touch. I was a nun and stayed in the sisterhood since I was only a young lass."

St. Peter turned to the angel and said "Truly exceptional, a woman who has gone above and beyond in service of God. Give her a key to the platinum room!"

The third woman says "I screwed 239 dudes: 67 before I met my husband, 35 while we were dating, 12 while we were engaged, 78 while we were married and 46 after he died."

St. Peter stood stunned for a second, then leaned over to the angel and whispered, "Give her a key to my room." :cool:
 
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Quickdraw

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A teenager gets home. His mom and dad are at table. His dad asks "Why are you so late"?
“I was at the library, studying for an exam”. The detector beeps.

The father explains, “this is a lie detector, boy! You better tell the truth…”
“Ok, ok, I was at a friend ́s house and we were watching a Christian film…” The detector beeps. “Fine! It was a porn!”

The father looks at him disapprovingly, “I’m ashamed of you! At your I age I never lied to my father!”. The detector beeps.


His wife bursts into laughter. “Well, he certainly is your son!”

The detector beeps. :cool:
 
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Quickdraw

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I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s ever been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights.” :mad:
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn’t talking to me. :cool:
 
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Quickdraw

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …

“You missed the f—ing putt, didn’t you?” :cool:
 
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bigwow

Tiger Legend
Jul 24, 2003
8,453
6,048
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I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.
The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”
I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
 
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bigwow

Tiger Legend
Jul 24, 2003
8,453
6,048
Melbourne
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
Jun 8, 2013
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started....

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn’t be found locally, the call went out around the world.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure.
Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be more generous than that.
Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?”
To this the Arab replied: ” Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.”
 
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Quickdraw

End of the drought
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My Wife just phoned me and the conversation went like this :-
Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Xmas..???
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "Wind it forward One Hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."
Me: "Right, I've done that"..
Her: "Okay, you see the Gladiator at the front fighting the Lion"..???
Me: "I can see that, yeah."
Her: "Just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a Sword Fight with each other"..??
Me: Okay, I see them."
Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a Gladiator holding a Spear"..???
Me: "Yes...! I can see him"..
Her: Right..!
"Those are the Sandals, I want for my Birthday". :cool:
 
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K3

Tiger Legend
Oct 9, 2006
5,213
973
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down!

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

A bullet proof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

When Chuck Norris falls into water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed fifty people, then it exploded.
 
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The_General

It's been a very hard working from home
Staff member
May 4, 2004
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I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.
The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”
I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
That's a Gary Delaney Joke:
 
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Midsy

I am the one who knocks.
Jan 18, 2014
3,383
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London
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoelaces with his feet.

Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally and left with his shirt and trousers freshly ironed.

Chuck Norris once went to the Virgin Islands. They’re now just called The Islands.
 
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bigwow

Tiger Legend
Jul 24, 2003
8,453
6,048
Melbourne
That's a Gary Delaney Joke:
Wasn't claiming it as an original, just sharing.