Jokes Thread

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,717
20
Broken Hill
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
 

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,717
20
Broken Hill
CONFESSIONAL BOX

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Miller High Life on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:
” Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
 

tigertim

something funny is written here
Mar 6, 2004
21,335
55
SkillzThatKillz said:
Excerpt of the beginning of a conversation between the US Chief of Staff and President Obama :

Chief of Staff "Mr President, its the Pentagon."
Obama "What is it?"

Chief of Staff "A 5 sided shape sir, but that's not important right now..."
Surely you can't be serious?
 

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,717
20
Broken Hill
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps. >> >>

He whispers . .

'Here, iron this. Then get me a beer'.
 

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,717
20
Broken Hill
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favour: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'
 

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,717
20
Broken Hill
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,



watching the front door of the brothel over the road.



The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,

knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"



They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.



"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died..."
 

Streak

Tiger Legend
Aug 31, 2007
33,961
0
Western Australia
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!"

Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!"

Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What do I look like to you? An electrician?!"

A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?"

The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything."

The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!"

"Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him."

Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?"

The wife replies, "What do I look like to you? Betty Crocker?!"
 

TigerMad

All for one and one for all
Dec 18, 2002
1,050
14
Infrequently

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
 

TigerMad

All for one and one for all
Dec 18, 2002
1,050
14
Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced .

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'



Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 pm sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m.. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, In fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.
 

timthetool

Tiger Cub
May 29, 2012
17
0
A young woman called at a hospital information desk and asked to see the upturn.
''I think you mean intern, don't you?'' asks the duty nurse.
''Yes, I guess so,'' she replies. ''I want a contamination.''
''You mean 'examination'?''
''I suppose. Anyway, I want to go to the fraternity ward.''
''I'm sure you mean the maternity ward . . ?''
''Probably. Upturn, intern, contamination, examination, fraternity, maternity - what the hell's the difference? All I know is that I haven't demonstrated for two months, and I think I'm stagnant.''
 

B1 and B2

Richo & The Twins
Mar 6, 2007
4,093
0
Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I’ll love you anyway darling but I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.


B1