Jokes Thread

Herr_Tiger

Tiger Superstar
May 23, 2005
2,065
0
Peel
Not sure I'm puttin this in the right thread, but there's some brilliant tho probably unintended humour at my local Coles

Like many stores these days, they have some AFL-licensed products for sale. They have AFL tumblers, but only in Carlton colours

Priceless - Coles are missing out on a huge marketing ploy
 

MB78

I can have my cake and eat it too
Sep 8, 2009
6,415
24
Which player is Collingwood's supporters favorite player?




Jarrod Witts as they are related being F Witts.
 

Rfc4Ever

Tiger Legend
Oct 5, 2007
10,836
15
A Boewing 777 on a flight over an American desert sustains engine failure and is losing altitude fast.

The selfish Captain and flight staff each obtain a parachute.

The Captain realises there is 1 extra parachute and decides to hand it to one of 3 passengers in the front row in first class.

The first 1st class passenger is a blonde and beautiful Jennifer Hawkins lookalike with a fantastic body.

The 2nd is an Asian male wearing a suit.

The 3rd is an obese African-American woman.

The Captain informs each of them that they have an opportunity to save themselves by way of parachute before the plane inevitably goes down by stating their case.

The Jen Hawkins lookalike immediately lifts her top up and exposes her breasts to the captain and states "I will make your dreams come true if you save me!".

The Captain carefully considers her proposal and then directs his attention to the Asian male who states :

"I am a university professor in multiple streams and I am far more valuable to the world than anyone else here."

The Captain thinks for a minute and then directs his attention to the obese African-American female who waves her index finger back and forth states :

"Y'all have nothing on me. I'm far and away the most important person here. I got the black box!"
 

RemoteTiger

Woof!
Jul 29, 2004
4,577
0
For the Englishmen ....

The American chap really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
 

RemoteTiger

Woof!
Jul 29, 2004
4,577
0
I was following a bloke with a bumper sticker that read:

"I'm a Vet; therefore I drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realised just how many gynecologists and proctologists there are on the roads.
 

RemoteTiger

Woof!
Jul 29, 2004
4,577
0
The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that
the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
English Weather.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:
'Muslim Weather'
(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
 

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,717
20
Broken Hill
A man walked into his bedroom and saw his wife packing a suitcase.
He asked, 'What are you doing?'
She answered, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walked into the bedroom and saw her husband packing his suitcase.
She asked him where he was going. His reply: 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.'
 

KiwiTig

Tiger Superstar
Dec 27, 2007
1,304
0
Williamstown
Paddy texts his wife...

"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.
If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again"
 

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,717
20
Broken Hill
The Italian Mistress
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
 

Big Country

Tiger Matchwinner
Apr 1, 2011
780
0
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
 

lukeanddad

Tiger Champion
Nov 17, 2008
2,774
30
Not sure if this works, but I liked it

https://www.facebook.com/Thecarltondraft/photos/a.1038391436216496.1073741828.1038383762883930/1308131635909140/?type=3
 

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,717
20
Broken Hill
Another joke for the day .......An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied "of course".

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't".

In the States, we only eat what's inside. ? The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia".

The American had a smirk on his face.

The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted "D'ya eat jam with your bread?"

Sighing, the Australian replied "Of course".

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seed and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.

The Australian then asked "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said "Why of course we do". The Australian leaned closer to him and asked "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course!"

Now it was the Australians turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
 
E

easy_tiger

Guest
A kiwi mate invited me to fishin' week in Auckland.

I was stoked and jumped at the chance.

I turned up with a big hat, 2 rods and a full esky

But I spent the week with stacks of people with funny glasses watching anorexic girls on a long skinny stage
 

willo

Tiger Legend
Oct 13, 2007
14,717
20
Broken Hill
easy said:
A kiwi mate invited me to fishin' week in Auckland.

I was stoked and jumped at the chance.

I turned up with a big hat, 2 rods and a full esky

But I spent the week with stacks of people with funny glasses watching anorexic girls on a long skinny stage
:hihi
Had me going until I repeated my kiwi accent a couple of times ;D
 

OldTiger1967

Tiger Cub
Jun 3, 2017
118
1
A well to do farmer has three daughters of courting age.

First young man comes to the farmer and says "My name is Eddie, and I'd like to take Betty out for some spaghetti?"
Farmer replies "No!"

Second young man comes to the farmer and says 'My name is Joe, and I'd like to take Flo to a show?"
Farmer says "No!"

Third young man comes to the farmer and says "My name is Chuck....."
And the farmer shot him.